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Thursday, December 20, 2007

loose tooth

Thursday, December 20, 2007
loose tooth
this is a mother in denial.

Mya flashes me this big smile before heading to school & i literally said in my head, "i thought Mya had strait teeth."

i get to the christmas party & it was my mother (aka. mamaw) & her daddy that give me the heads up.

i'm like - wait - what, oh my gosh! i don't have the tooth fairy pillow, i don't have - wait - what is going on here? what are my responsibilities, are you kidding me - Mya is getting ready to loose her first tooth.

i look to my mom & she says with a shrug, "well, she is five"

oh my gosh.

can you believe this - my little baby is losing her first tooth!!


i'm just trying to get thru Santa Surprise & now i have to worry about Tooth Fairy Trouble!!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

a Wednesday

Wednesday, December 05, 2007
a Wednesday
i feel like i haven't written a blog in a while, not sure if that is true, but surely it feels that way. i am presently completely playing with myspace & facebook. i like facebook. it seems a little bit more ~ less HTML ~ if that makes sense. probably not, especially for those who actually understand HTML, but maybe it is less glittery, but more gamey?

i am starting to feel a little boring. i want to raise my girl with some integrity, some goodness about her. some shelter from the harshness of everything. people seem so confused most of the time & even if we think we have it, let me say we don't.

just yesterday, i sat in awe ~ i'm listening to a woman i just recently ran 'back into' & she was just so angry and all over the place. jumping into this story of whoa & how she was ready to kick this other woman's ass. i must have zoned out because i just started thinking - how can i help here - anger kills us. if we have no other way to express how we are hurt than by saying we are going to attack another person, who are we? how basic, how primitive. how shall i know i have grown, but by my actions & my word.

i just feel this weight, like because i am after compassion & desire transparency even before a G audience ~ . ~ i fear myself boxed up and boring in this world. that my daughter's eyes will turn from mine and seek out other stimulus. i, like any guardian, have this battle before us. if our sights are set, and we are trying to teach our children to be children, and not the broken adults they model after - we must surely examine ourselves and become who we desire our children to be.

Friday, November 9, 2007

yeah - i'm blogging

ahh.. ok. hum. what should i say? anything!! i can say whatever i want and my job is to still love myself & to challenge you to love me too as i love you. say it fast 3 times. hee!

mainly i'm tired today - since yesterday - due to the ole' thyroid issue. yep. i tried to self medicate because it seemed Oprah said something about getting her thyroid figured out. i mean i'm eating right & i exercise occasionally & i lost 5 lbs. time to come off the meds - right? no. i am back to before and not wanting to get up out of bed though i head to bed at 9p. maintaining weight, when i should be losing - i'm following the 'points.' so, a little snippy, and i just can't handle my chaotic job anymore. other than that i'm fine.

right? isn't that what we say? hey -

i look forward to being better.

Monday, September 17, 2007

mommy, what does awesome mean?

Monday, September 17, 2007
mommy, what does awesome mean?
"mommy, am I doing good?"
"yes sweetie, you are doing awesome!"
"mommy, what is awesome?"
"super great, wonderful"
"mommy, can i come in here & get dressed"
"sure, i don't mind"
"what does i don't mind mean?"
"no problem, i think you coming in is fine"
how patient we must be with our little children. she is a month & half shy of five & how many times have i told her she was awesome? that she didn't know what awesome was is a little striking, how then did she know how great i thought she was doing.
goes to show me how i need to make sure when i compliment her, encourage her - that i ask & make sure she is understanding my words.
she has gotten on this kick of thinking she is a "cry baby," where it comes from i'm not sure. its odd though when it comes out, like she will sit with this self'defeating look on her face & she calls this name out to herself. i work to figure out who has said it, i work to remove it - labels!
my top focus as her mother is for her to see herself as a wondrous creation, and seeing others in that way too.
how careful we must be with our words, that this name she has clung too might affect later processings about herself.
i say sweetie - you are so sensitive & beautiful, crying helps all the sad feelings come out. i'm glad you are so good at letting those feeling go. if we don't get rid of the sad ones, we won't have room for the happy ones.
raising self confident kids in this world is a total commitment job ~ be mindful & smile huge at the kids you come into contact with today & tomorrow, they need it!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

walking still..

Thursday, August 16, 2007
walking still..
Category: Blogging
the coolest little thing, or should i say things.
i wrote that blog after returning from ky school & that day i ran into multiple affirmations - saying - keep going.
i go to work & Roni tells me she wasn't sure in september when she started her RCIA (is that right - what does that mean? i'm not sure, but i'm sure at some point i will figure it out), that it wasn't until december she really felt good, that things seemed to open up.
then i go to $1 Baskin Robin Scoop that Tuesday night & Sarah is there with her family.. this is the same sarah (who isn't on myspace yet) that i called a couple of months ago on this catholic topic - we were pretty close in our tweens, but closer in our late teens, early twenties & still manage to run into each other. she works at UofL with their Catholic Student Ministries. i tell her my angst & again, she was like - no, that shouldn't happen. lots of families are split & kids can't make it every sunday & that's ok. that it shouldn't effect anything. we then talked about some fundamental type stuff, and i could relate - because fundamental protestant type stuff isn't something i get with either.
then - Sarah {lots o' Sara(h)'s & alli(can)(son)'s in my life}- my colorado friend - reply's with another affirmation..
then! this past monday i walk into Inquiry, wanted to tell them why i didn't come, but decided not too & who slips in, but Margaret. Margaret? yeah - the lady who leads children ministries at st james & i got to share with her & she set me strait, that they are not ritualistic - my daughter won't be behind, that have her come when she can come.
it was the neatest thing. plus! the priest from St. John has come to St. James Parish to retire & he is wanting to devote his time to our RCIA classes. how blessed. i felt tears swell in my eyes. maybe that's weird, but i could just feel God loving me all over.
so.. that is that. i am continuing in my journey.
interesting stuff, that God would be moving me to Catholic Practice. why when i've been so happy at my community church? only God knows & i can be still with that~

i ended up dropping out of Catholic classes.  the sponsor situation got a little sketchy & it just seemed to be the right choice.  i feel so blessed today - however - that i had the experience.  i have great respect for the Catholic community .. not a minute do a regret in its study. jp-m 5.10.10

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Category: Blogging
again.. serious blogs.. good grief, like i'm that deep - hee!
i forgot the e'factor. i headed off to Ky School this past week for some really awesome education/training & i had some time to think.
i guess before i was kind of thinking i was in charge of my dtr's .. ok .. i think i thought - i'll brace her against the church that is solid in its tradition and rhythms.
one of the standards - or at least how i understand it - a good catholic attends mass weekly. i think its the same in any church, but the community i've been exposed to - the Bridge Community - really takes a person how they are. if they come once a month. good. 2 or 4 times a month. good. a person has every opportunity to feel good. a good thing.
it occurred to me over this past week - erick has mya every other week & has been wonderfully consistent. i can only expect his devotion will continue & so .. i look to the future & if daddy is sleeping in, or headed out to play sunday morning. how will mya feel when i say, "sorry, sweetie - you need to come home early from seeing your dad so you can attend church with me." "i know you only see him every other weekend & every friday afternoon, but you need to come to church".. i wonder over time - would mya start to resent church & not really enjoy being there - like she does now.
i kind of feel too - i am setting her up for failure - all the other catholic children will be there sunday's at 10a, learning their lessons, checking off each step & mya will be the one coming every other sunday. so. i am placing her in failure. i am putting her in a place she can't have success.
make sense.
so. yeah - i know the last blog i wrote - but that's why its a blog & not the New York Times.
i'm still open to God working in this Catholic thing.. i have actually learned a lot & have a lot of respect for their practice, when before i was .. lets just say - misinformed ..
all that to say - i'm walking - figuring things out - just wanted to share the latest.
hope things are good with you - send me an email sometime!! i have a computer at my house now. i'm starting school soon (i'm scared) - all over the web - so by need, i broke down & managed my budget to include internet services...
yeah me.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

waking up

Saturday, July 21, 2007
walking up
Category: Blogging
i'll laugh hard tomorrow when reading how bold i felt tonight. to display something so squishy and sensitive ~ in fact - expect a shredding of vocabulary, me attempting towards reconciliation with my community...

i don't know if i know what the "official reconciliation" is like - however - i bet it goes a little like this.

Good Friday. i was balling my eyes out on my way to see Dr Lentz. i was crying over vocabulary. how can i explain this thing that i love in a way that builds a brother up, and not push him - her down, away, or any other kind of - .. - further from feeling confident and good?

i never looked at the question, "are you saved?" as being a question that would actually drive a brother back from an already forward moving journey.

make sense?

so... are you saved.

if a person is some gradient towards knowing truth and accepting grace - then, how would i be building him up by asking a question that is ultimately judging an "in" or "out" .. and where am i that i have authority to claim either on another's life.

my confession - my reconciliation: i have driven people away from the Grace of our God. believe me when i say my heart has never been malicious, but only concerned for someone to know that Holy Hands holding me is what keeps me moving forward. little me. but my confession is ~ i held so tightly to a dogmatic view of only a portion of God's people finding His Grace, claiming responsibility of an interpretation of His Grace, that i have hurt people in a way that i will be eternally responsible for. i know that's deep, but when expressing the truth - we have to be certain, and besides how God touches us, what can we be truly certain about. and let's not forget about the brokenness of ourselves.

Good Friday was a day that opened my eyes to the love and grace of God thru the sacrifice of Christ.  it's amazing. if you truly believe in the interpretation of God being the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End - then hasn't all of this already been resolved & can't we then relax a little - allow God to be God. to draw men unto His self & we take accountability to love one another. Offering love to need & compassion to fault.

i don't know. coming off the wake of Good Friday i began to feel uncomfortable in the protestant community - even though - of course, i hadn't words at that time.

it's been this odd little thing that God would be leading me to experience Catholic education while practicing a protestant Christian faith - i have experienced God in a way that i am devoted to Him, and please God, let me learn how to love as you would have me to love. mercy for those of us seeking forgiveness, mercy for those of us not knowing we need forgiveness.

i started out methodist, switched over to baptist, quit, and finally returned to the body by way of a community church. i grew up in the church. loved God. i did ok until i broke away & but when lost, i didn't know how to reconnect. i wasn't given the understanding that would have allowed me the ability to reconnect with a faith community when i wasn't completely sure who i was. how many dialects do we have in the protestant faith. the problem with being right is someone is wrong.

what i understand for myself - today @ 153 am - is, i wouldn't know how to experience the fullness of my journey if i wasn't working out my faith, seeking truth, living devotion & in some sort of repetition. i didn't swim laps & win ribbons without swimming a few laps first! Amen? i didn't compete against the best in our state by practicing poor stroke technique. i competed against the best because i was guided by an awesome coach, and encouraged by others in the lanes beside me, doing the same thing!

i like the idea my daughter & i can attend a worship time that carries enough tradition - that no matter her travels she simply find her local parish & and take the option of anchoring herself into a local faith community with some familiarity.

i love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the bridge & the bridge community!!!!!!! i think the Bridge is doing God's work !! the Beauty of the Bridge is its uniqueness in a chaotic self-serving world. my history - however - would show me stumbling along.

 by grace i feel myself being loved by a beautiful man & friends with the most incredible women of integrity. i feel, in response to being humbled, a compulsion towards aligning myself to a church community that has curriculum established to teach my daughter order. a way & an ability to share her faith in reason and truth. i like - too - the clear expectations of a life guided by faith.

you would have to know me, but i find comfort and big family back-up when i see the statement about meeting with a Priest 6 months before marriage.

so, all this to say - i am headed towards a different practice. i believe it is the good work of God that leads my journey towards conversion. and.. for all those people who may or may not respond, should Mya choose a community church later in life, i shall gladly join her there :)

my heart -

looking back - this is where i became bold - or at least firm in my thinking.. the pipe line opened between God & I that Good Friday, and still it is clear. jp-m 5.10.10 

Sunday, June 17, 2007

an incomplete thought... time for dinner

an incomplete thought... time for dinner
Category: Blogging

i was doodle'ing while sitting in the front row chairs this morning.. a little preoccupied with design as of late, but i think i caught a pretty deep thought.

first - the B.I.B.L.E is a rain forest - with grace falling all over us - and - who is us?

i get a little confused, like i want to be in the right .. the right hand of God. and that's lingo for Jesus. so i want to be in the light of Jesus - What! i want to be in the Grace that radiates off His Sacrifice. What! i want to be .. loved .. already forgiven for the stuff that i really didn't mean to screw up. forgiven by whom? well - someone who cares about me. someone who can tell me i am worth something, if not precious.

that's a jump for me. to be precious. this father's day stuff is getting to me this year for some reason. that i have a Daddy God that holds me in His big hands of time.

but you look at Jesus - if anyone has seen the Passion, heard of he Passion - there is this extended visual explanation of the execution process.. and His first words were..

Father forgive them, for they know not what they do -

like - maybe to be in the right hand - i need to extend my right hand - be less about this way, and allow God's way .. & I think - He says Love is the greatest commandment.

doesn't that speak to all of "us" - no matter our baggage, or beliefs ?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

looking at cards for Father's Day

Thursday, June 14, 2007

looking at cards for Father's Day
Category: Blogging

i made my way to Barnes n' Noble yesturday ("the other day" for those who keep up with time); just strolling around to see what i could see... well, actually looking for a good workbook i could share with others.. ever looked for a good paper guide to empowerment? one that makes you feel better & better able to do the real work needing to be done to make you great?

i saw some stuff - but - not all of us have time to read and read and read & thats what i felt when i sampled some of the available scripts. i know its a task - but i'd love to find something eclectic (something derailing), yet concrete. pleasing to the senses, challenging the brain, obvious & exacting what i am looking for .

and just as i write this - i think -

wait! stay on task - K I S S - (Keep it simple silly!)

so i've peruse'd as much as i could, put the paperbacks back.. headed to the bargain shelves (of course!). winding my way to the front of the store i found daddy books on sale ~ daddy's day is coming ~

that feels good, thinking of mya thinking of her daddy. i start looking at the display that has the paper art cards - the ones that open to a 3D Something - a guy sitting on the chair with a remote, at a game, golfing, fishing (you get the idea).

nothing fitting the mold for mya's dad, but then the thought saved me - wait a minute! this is mya's job.

instead of stressing i continued to walk around the cards. i saw a .. what looked like a young brunette woman, looking a little like me, so maybe a little stringy, messy. she had the typical bubble floating abover her head with a cute little heart in the center - again, drawn in a messy kind of way. the card got me thinkin,' when this messy girl thinks of her dad, she just feels love. maybe her for him, or him for her, or just - when she thinks of anything associated with him - love -

i heard someone laugh, and stood suprised realizing it was me. people - when they feel uncomfortable - sometimes laugh. i felt sqirmmy and out of place, almost like who was i too be standing in this section - the section for girls who feel warm and fuzzy with their dad. how foriegn is that? i've had this man in my life since i was two & i'm thirty-two, and honestly, love really isn't a word i would use to describe our relationship.

knowing the opposite of love isn't really hate, as the world would lead us, but being null, having none. the absence of emotion. hum.. perhaps when thinking of my dad i would have just the typical bubble. smiling me, messy, with a messy little bubble, could that be a cute card too?

i stood there after my laughter & i envisioned actually giving dad a 'bubble heart' card & how uncomfortable that would be. like - how would he feel - surely he would laugh as well, like - what? where did you get this? and not in a mean way - just in a - really foreign - i'm just not getting the connection kind of way.

its funny that in my life - my father, my biological daddy, died when i was just old enough to begin knowing him, loving him. that's my road. my road makes erick - mya's daddy - such a blessing in my life - the way he loves her is so healing for me. watching a daddy hug his little girl like there is no tomorrow, picking her up, brushing her off when she falls from the tree. how beautiful, how exactly like it is suppose to be.

never wonder where my attachment for the Lord comes from. He is my Daddy God. He is the one who tells me how special I am, how His heart breaks when mine does. in fact - more than the sum of my history.

Friday, June 8, 2007

out of the gates..

Friday, June 08, 2007

out of the gates..

its a quick note - would love to hear a "shout out" from you. opps! a "shout out from you yo!"

How does a blog reader/writer spend his/her day?

so i'm out of sync. i've not been training, keeping up with the craft since collecting my minimal things and creating a special place for mya & i. out of the loop of reading yours & writing my emails, blogging - the basics in keeping up!

blogging is fun too. i actually have plans to tell you - or somehow hash out this love of my life. and really that sounds so shallow - how often that is said, and often love still breaks. perhaps he is the love that life has brought me.

in this last year - building out of calamity & failings - stillness. not just making mistakes, but learning from mistakes is a good way to end up ok in the end.

end? and those of you with me - some of us just beginning our thirties (give or take a decade) - is that not amazing.

how much life we have.

how much damage we could do if we press on to be our best - what, generation, shall we offer the next?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

.. bits of the whole ..

Sunday, April 15, 2007

.. bits of the whole ..
Category: Blogging

keep with me .. close .. and follow what your heart reveals and not what your mind says

if i attempt to live my life as my own, and not want for what my neighbor has - this is good. for always wishing for what belongs to another can be heart breaking.

if i honor life and do not take it from another - then again, this is good. not for the sake of being good, but for the sake of avoiding the results of what would be sure to come. shame, guilt, fear, loneliness.

each of the four takes me from my created self. each act as a yoke upon my neck - keeping me trapped in a body i'd rather discard than claim. if i understand that i am called to life and living. how then shall i live? how then can i live?

how else can i escape bondage, but by forgiveness?

what rolls over and over - what never lets up - are memories from times past. who could offer forgiveness to me that would put an end to what has been present for longer than my past remembered.

this - is - where - i find the Holy Spirit working - it moves through me in a way that i am challenged to be better. to figure out, claim my brokenness for brokenness - come to place that i am ready for forgiveness.

i have circled unaware of relief for so many years, and finally when i drive - i am driving in the moment and not reliving every regret of my life. every confused moment that came from something i could have done differently if i new it was wrong to begin with...

short - i know - not even sure of its relevance to you - to me - i am starting to see God as God and not some boxed up gimmick.

but - without denial - it does feel good to be free. to be blameless. to know if i walk in kindness, gentleness, patience, love, all the good and glorious things of the Spirit that i -am- ok. i am acceptable. that mistakes and heartbreak will come over and over, but i can stand supported in my best and not defeated by my broken self.

mercy to those of us who believe in forgiveness, not by our works - but by our faith that forgiveness exists for our deepest faults.


Sunday, February 25, 2007

a call to relationship..

Sunday, February 25, 2007

a call to relationship..
Category: Blogging

i wonder .. i was in the middle of service today & something caught my ear, i'll not claim what, but it sent me on a little trail of this leads to this, and this leads to that. a little theory makin' i suppose. that without sin in my life i would have no 'in' that felt real with God. or should i say - that without being present, aware of my lackings, that i would have no way of connecting with my higher power...

life testifies. it feels good for a person to say thank you - it feels good for a person to give me some praise on my good works. but if that person & i never share a real conversation - how shallow do the 'good jobs' become?

and it would be easier with my notes, but i'll hash this out as best i can - amen.

we are called to be in relationship with something we can't see. something we can barely hear. something we rarely feel physically touched by - yet - i have been continually compelled in misery and fear to reach out for Him & almost always i am touched back in ways too numerous to define.

this is where it all settled for me. i've been in these calls before - when life has become so distant that siberia could compare to my hearts warmth. that the big Hand of God is almost overwhelming, that i walk into Him crying, and barely able to explain myself - in fact - i'd rather be crying in a stall in the girls bathroom than try and actually explain what is being torn down and built up.

what God does in our lives is so intimate.

today was a nothing kind of day. i understood the purpose of today. to be in touch with what separates us. i sat shallow wondering where my tears were. i wonder if it is marginal living. i wonder if this is where most of us find ourselves. we have successfully taken care of the "big Sins" and so we feel like we are Ok & we quit seeking for more than Ok - we forget about abundance - or perhaps we forget our ticket.

so. i ended today - believing our ticket to God is not in our good deeds, but rather our failings. that when i am in touch with the areas i fail can i come to Him in a secret place & be molded and mapped out to greatness beyond just 9 to 5 life.

so he said something about, when beginning a one on one thing - that we give and we listen, in that - do we build a friendship, a love relationship. if i don't search myself and deliver something authentic then i would say i'm building something superficial. superficial never lasts with me. it barely begins.

and this is where i ended up. for Him to be deep, for Him to be where i truely need Him to be - settled in the foundations of me - i have to not forget the imperfection of me. i have to not get so 'proud of me' that i forget i can still be better, that i am still a child in need of a savior.

to be under His Lordship Leadership is a daily thing & its about me. am i in or out of this relationship. any relationship suffers if we are not authetically giving of ourselves - perhaps i should seek out a flame in me like the little pilot light under the water heater.

in the dark of the night - if i get on my knees do i find the little flame.. how delightful.