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Monday, December 27, 2010

I can barely hear my heart beating ~

I can barely hear my heart beating! ~ Tin Woodsman, Wizard of Oz

so this is the Monday before 52 Mondays.  I think it is hilarious ~ I was thinking something huge & monumental would happen getting closer to this moment.  Like I would read lots of books, make up worksheets, have lesson plans laid out for the year.  then i realized it wasn’t about my control measures, it is me waiting & watching for what i'll be blogging next.

if i had a soapbox this would be it.. i find spirituality to be about connectedness.  i think it is the route to best understand one another, to best accept our situation, to persevere when nothing but a mirage is between me and the other side of the desert.  we have means of connecting beyond words, it is standing on sand before an ocean that i am swept away.
i don't find myself to be the authority; however, i am aware of authority when i hear it ~ it sings the sweetness of wisdom.  i love the truth and its many, many facets.
i was daydreaming about Heaven the other day, thinking about the possibility - at the time of our passing we will be reunited with others that have passed before us.  i thought about a man who lost his dad, and how great the day will be - when they will greet each other with a huge man embrace & and out of that moment, a knowing'ness between them will resonate, on and on.  like it has been so long, and i have waited, but here you stand & the time is gone that you were gone.

i felt so warm inside, and then i thought about my father, how it will be to be...

the first picture i found of him after he had passed years before was one of his profile.  i almost laughed because i thought - a profile shot, this is what i possess still of my father.   then years after, i came across a small photo that resides on the corner of my sweater cabinet, and it is my dad & me.  must have been around the time when i was first learning how to walk because of the way he was holding my hands, like he was my balance.

my biological father died when i was 20, the last time i saw him was at my high school graduation.  all the people, all the noise, all the graduates dressed in blue ~ and out of the crowd comes my father with my two half brothers following suite.  hadn't met the boys before, but there the three of them stood, and of course i didn't know what to say.

i actually have a letter, addressed, stamped and ready to be sent telling him i was looking forward to knowing him more.   shortly after, i received a call that he died from complications.  wasn't aware, but he had gone into surgery for fluid on the heart.  surgery went fine, but a student-nurse was repositioning tubes, likely to do with an i.v. line;  air shot through his veins and a fatal stroke resulted.

if i was drinking prior to this happening, i drank a lot after, fell apart – lost, not even knowing i was capable of being found.  tried to find my footing in an eccentric troubled soul, and by Grace i escaped.  have been on the mend since, but mostly it’s because when no one else was listening - God was - or who I imagined God to be, the He that is close to me.

i of course look forward to God when i arrive in Heaven, but there are so many ways i am knowing Him now.  anything i am connecting with - literally - i find to be from a Loving Spirit.  even when i am afraid, i find Him as comfort.  that when i am alone, He is always present.  and so, God - sure - excited.  but there is this thing inside of me that literally leapt when thinking of meeting the other side of my face.  the man i knew through cards, camera’s and art supplies ~ my biological father.  i imagine this embrace, but also this opportunity to know him.  i will hear his voice, and he will know by the way my heart beats ~ i have missed him & loved him my whole life.

what is ahead ~ blog followers, unsure ~ but with certainty ~ i will be here, faithful.

Monday, December 13, 2010

what we seek we find

looking forward to 52 Monday's .. last Monday was the first week i by-passed putting a post up.  and you know, i thought about it all week.  the DSL has been giving us some trouble, messing with my system of write, surf, read, write, research, write, stare into space, write, and finally finish... hee!

my last  post i received a comment: "... the real problem with being able to speak your mind is bearing the judgment of others. Being a person who wants to be liked, I sometimes find it difficult to say things that I know will upset people, even though it may be the right thing to do. For me, it's a constant struggle to find the right balance." (thanks r.s.)

the oddest followed.  i was so happy to receive a comment to my post i read it gleefully, but later really thought through the words .. bearing, difficult, constant struggle, and balance.  what was unexpected was how intimately i connected - i actually experienced some memories that were pretty unsettling.  i gained a new reflection (thanks again)...

i don't think i'm a push-over, but i am not after conflict either.  mostly i leave people be - stepping in when i am in the position, but mostly i listen and observe.  passive.  i speak, i clarify, i listen.  i must appear as if i am adding to the conversation, but really i mostly put together and rearrange. .. like a composer.  i wonder if fear hides in this place.  i feel prompted but mostly empty for this project, like a bowl ready to be filled..  

i wonder how often people have mistook my beliefs based upon my company?  kudos to those who speak up, who allow for themselves the vulnerable moment.

it is a balance, really a slippery slope ~ like the dew on the tip of a blade (smile). 

we have so many personalities.  i have found for myself that i try to fight the good fight.  i gather information and i put my pieces together. i place my bets when i feel as certain as i can - that what i say - convey, will move the conversation in a positive way.

i will seek and find new ways to express myself.  i will make shifts in my thinking so i can see options of articulating that will allow compassion to pour over... drenching self and others :)