storerooms..

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood. - Isaiah 54:4

i've packed away – away – things important, unimportant – i don't even know anymore.

i've been wondering – considering - what exactly is part of the pack i keep and what exactly is part of the package sent away?

i'm thinking the one magic moment "when mistakes are released and my shadow is the only past touching me" isn't really going to happen. or, maybe. it isn't going to happen in a magic moment – or perhaps the moment is now – upon realizing life is a process and our next moment is our next past. so make it count?

i hear you – cheerleader. that i am better today than yesterday & my tomorrow will be better yet..

i am expecting excellence for my life. my life that guards another..

so. as i have allowed myself to be packed away, i should think better to know i am more than a piece to be decided on later; perhaps a bold minute moving to the next hour (smile).

every second i am afraid to move is simply a second wasted.

i might say .. but i'm learning everyday

Friday, November 10, 2006

i might say .. but i'm learning everyday if you and i were both sitting .. somewhere around the fire.. moving as needed when the smoke found its way to our eyes (smile). i might want to answer your question this way::: short version: when i die - i am going to understand everything - not just my version. but.. a longer still version: you never know why things happen. (pause)( me smiling you smiling ) even if we stumple on the meaning of today.. we can never really understand the lineage created by tomorrow.. things like - death - abuse - neglect - mistake - suffering - isolation - paranoia not all goods are born of goods. not all bads beget bads.. or however you may want to say or mix these words up (smile) i think this is one of those moments when i fall back on my faith.. and i allow my wisdom to be driven by my understanding of the Truth & what i understand so far.. no matter the mudd in the water (double smile). i have been taught that faith is not just hoping in things unseen, but moving forward, backward & all about the road . towards . the unseen . would you agree that change can come from sadness and confusion? i have recovered from so much guilt by simply accepting the original chapter of my story.. the one that explains the 'how comes' so.. something criminal, something unfair, something unspeakable - it can be about 'what the heck happened here' & 'how does this affect me.' and it can be about something infinite.. something unseen... friend to friend: i would never know how to answer why God allowed something criminal to happen.. i'm sure the reasons outnumber me and you.. depending on the years.. the reason could effect hundreds.. thousands.. you never know.. more than the stars. when i am lost, hunting for truth. completely exhausted from the chase. i am sometimes.. God is so intimate .. i think because i self-isolate - His spirit will literally touch me, i feel pressure on me. i sometimes leave the room because i can barely stand.. when i have a question for God then i go to God.. but - i hear you - how does a person "go to God" - and now that i hear myself saying that.. that sounds a little like drive'thru.. sorry about that.. folklore would tell us .. Truth is found in quiet moments with His Word (the b.i.b.l.e), teachings (like the ones on tv - charles stanley - td jakes!!), friendships, and life events.. so.. i'd be super curious how God has spoken to you on a criminal issue.. and yes i mean you: i expect your comment on here.

to an unknown..

further into isolation?

listen. you have stirred my heart to understand the . more . God desires for me. you. us. His children.

i sit and i am in awe of inspiration, how it comes like a breeze. these words.. these very words are my pursuit towards wholeness and health.

since beginning this journey many yesterdays ago & still i sit at the foot of this mountain to be moved – i would never have understood purity to be such free flowing love. that i would be so fulfilled in safety... that a heart guarded would be a heart growing.

created for intimacy. intimacy grows the woman – man –

intimacy exposes the small details of grace.

there is freedom – water & sky - knowing myself while knowing you.

i have been isolated, afraid of offering the simple parts; the parts of me that ring to sounds of boredom. i kneel & still my knees do not hurt – i find myself moving forward despite myself. the heart of God, the center spirit of me, is showing up in my everyday.

it is the connecting – the process – the discernment - it is beauty as God would have designed it. it is God's truth that gives us rest. scratch this culture's way of defining such delicacies of anything intimate. take your mind from physical touch, but plant your imagination in how your heart touches mine from a million centimeters away.

anticipate – see yourself in freedom - over and over again... intentional tip'toe'ings of foundation isn't to be feared, it is the fruit of friendship happening over and over. hear me. over and over.

face to face – sit with me – connect with me & coupling is somewhere far from here. grow with the trust we will not break one another, but spur each other in our faith..

that we grow to completion – that we give God more than what we started with, that we make good in His investment in us..