.. bits of the whole ..

Sunday, April 15, 2007

.. bits of the whole .. Category: Blogging keep with me .. close .. and follow what your heart reveals and not what your mind says if i attempt to live my life as my own, and not want for what my neighbor has - this is good. for always wishing for what belongs to another can be heart breaking. if i honor life and do not take it from another - then again, this is good. not for the sake of being good, but for the sake of avoiding the results of what would be sure to come. shame, guilt, fear, loneliness. each of the four takes me from my created self. each act as a yoke upon my neck - keeping me trapped in a body i'd rather discard than claim. if i understand that i am called to life and living. how then shall i live? how then can i live? how else can i escape bondage, but by forgiveness? what rolls over and over - what never lets up - are memories from times past. who could offer forgiveness to me that would put an end to what has been present for longer than my past remembered. this - is - where - i find the Holy Spirit working - it moves through me in a way that i am challenged to be better. to figure out, claim my brokenness for brokenness - come to place that i am ready for forgiveness. i have circled unaware of relief for so many years, and finally when i drive - i am driving in the moment and not reliving every regret of my life. every confused moment that came from something i could have done differently if i new it was wrong to begin with... short - i know - not even sure of its relevance to you - to me - i am starting to see God as God and not some boxed up gimmick. but - without denial - it does feel good to be free. to be blameless. to know if i walk in kindness, gentleness, patience, love, all the good and glorious things of the Spirit that i -am- ok. i am acceptable. that mistakes and heartbreak will come over and over, but i can stand supported in my best and not defeated by my broken self. mercy to those of us who believe in forgiveness, not by our works - but by our faith that forgiveness exists for our deepest faults. amen?

a call to relationship..

Sunday, February 25, 2007

a call to relationship.. Category: Blogging i wonder .. i was in the middle of service today & something caught my ear, i'll not claim what, but it sent me on a little trail of this leads to this, and this leads to that. a little theory makin' i suppose. that without sin in my life i would have no 'in' that felt real with God. or should i say - that without being present, aware of my lackings, that i would have no way of connecting with my higher power... life testifies. it feels good for a person to say thank you - it feels good for a person to give me some praise on my good works. but if that person & i never share a real conversation - how shallow do the 'good jobs' become? and it would be easier with my notes, but i'll hash this out as best i can - amen. we are called to be in relationship with something we can't see. something we can barely hear. something we rarely feel physically touched by - yet - i have been continually compelled in misery and fear to reach out for Him & almost always i am touched back in ways too numerous to define. this is where it all settled for me. i've been in these calls before - when life has become so distant that siberia could compare to my hearts warmth. that the big Hand of God is almost overwhelming, that i walk into Him crying, and barely able to explain myself - in fact - i'd rather be crying in a stall in the girls bathroom than try and actually explain what is being torn down and built up. what God does in our lives is so intimate. today was a nothing kind of day. i understood the purpose of today. to be in touch with what separates us. i sat shallow wondering where my tears were. i wonder if it is marginal living. i wonder if this is where most of us find ourselves. we have successfully taken care of the "big Sins" and so we feel like we are Ok & we quit seeking for more than Ok - we forget about abundance - or perhaps we forget our ticket. so. i ended today - believing our ticket to God is not in our good deeds, but rather our failings. that when i am in touch with the areas i fail can i come to Him in a secret place & be molded and mapped out to greatness beyond just 9 to 5 life. so he said something about, when beginning a one on one thing - that we give and we listen, in that - do we build a friendship, a love relationship. if i don't search myself and deliver something authentic then i would say i'm building something superficial. superficial never lasts with me. it barely begins. and this is where i ended up. for Him to be deep, for Him to be where i truely need Him to be - settled in the foundations of me - i have to not forget the imperfection of me. i have to not get so 'proud of me' that i forget i can still be better, that i am still a child in need of a savior. to be under His Lordship Leadership is a daily thing & its about me. am i in or out of this relationship. any relationship suffers if we are not authetically giving of ourselves - perhaps i should seek out a flame in me like the little pilot light under the water heater. in the dark of the night - if i get on my knees do i find the little flame.. how delightful.

reflection of wrongs

i can't step away from wondering if i should be open to reconciliation.

in the last year - after seeing a therapist weekly for longer than just a few months. i've started to see some real .. like i knew i wasn't perfect .. but then i didn't really realize what an elaborate system i have going on upstairs.

i think he was saying the other day that up was down and left was right in my home. that i have learned how to process and translate the input, so i'm not completely odd out in the real world, but the poor partners that sat closest to me.

i used to sit on the couch and wait for him to come home. my home a wreck. i mean. cloths unwashed, dishes dirty, floor covered with toddler type things & i just sat there.. not wanting to move.

i thought this week - no wonder he never came home. i didn't make our home a home.

it gets all over me and into the unders of my skin when people attempt to communicate with me thru questions. question after question & the kick.. they are asking questions so when i answer they are going to have ammunition to ask more. surely - i have to tell myself - they are not digging into me to be judgemental and prophetic, but shoveling in to be somewhere besides just with their own thoughts.

ok. i get it, but what i told my mom - is, "just start a conversation with me by talking about something, yourself, or someone. i'll join in - just quit asking me questions."

so. i asked him questions all the time. when he didn't speak i wanted him to speak to me, and how did i go about that - doing exactly what my mom did to me - asking question after question.

so i apologized yesturday to him. for not being a better person, a better wife when we were together.

he stalled a little today when picking our dtr up. he played with the dog we acquired together a little longer & ate a hot dog before leaving. he said the girl he began living with before the divorce was final is "a little different"..

why does that make me happy.

i don't know. starting over - being in the know about what i am seeking. makes it really difficult. it makes me want to run back and make babies with my dtr's daddy. isn't the orginal biological unit gold?