cc2011:? Where am I

Greetings.

though the Monday's passed and i felt the sting ~ still i sat silent. i am debating on how I will go about the missing Monday's. i think I will likely go back and place an * asterisk * by my title just so we can, i can feel somewhat redeemed and within my own standard of integrity.

writing a blog ... is a very revealing, open process. or is it? i think when i thought of putting this project out i thought of education centered along this one focus ~ compassion. as i put my toe into the vast basin i became covered with the idea that i wanted my compassion to spill over. i am no great scholar or instrument of instruction, just someone learning and applying to life. so what may have been originally a very neat & kept idea became more. . .

so. i am pretty private - and when things were swimming along i felt open and revealing. when life became uncertain and truly reflective i retreated.

intimacy is this amazing little jewel. despite the fact we have friends there are few we can truly be vulnerable with. i am blessed and thankful beyond measure for what has been formed between my mentor and i. for 50 minute hours i am the focus. my emotions, my concerns, my whatever comes to my mind.

i have become comfortable being the center of that conversation and lately i have become mindful of how little i, we? explore with others. in the race to keep up with our children, our jobs, our passions ~ true reflection in the mist of another is so . . . difficult to come by.

i guess i wasn't willing to be out there - just processing though what i was struggling with - for all those who pass by to read. i wasn't willing either - to just write for writing sake. i have been suffering in ways that the notion of setting all of it aside in order to accomplish this task every Monday seemed . . . i don't know ~ incongruent with me and this project.

baby. baby. baby. boundaries. and that is ~ what i suppose i had ~ just the other day i was talking to someone about commitments we made prior to full knowledge and understanding. we make commitments & we hold on to them despite our suffering, sometimes for the good and sometimes to our detriment ~ time is our truth teller.


signing off & glad to have checked in.

ps. i am super excited about a project i have planned for myself for the summer. i am going to do some visual journaling ~ 6 weeks. curious of the insight that will come.

♥ peace ♥

cc2011:12 Brene Brown ~ need i say more ~

"the fear of disconnection ~ is there something about me . . . that if another person knows it or sees it . . . that i won't be worthy of connection" - brene brown

i'm not cheating ~ i am forming my words that will be expressed in last Monday's empty post.

when there are no words ~ there is life . . . looking forward to sharing my reflection.

♥

cc2011:10 Making Space

i now have a blue room :)

yep - a small little room in the corner of the house just for me and my creative ways . . . so excited.  it has been many, many years in the making ~ literally.  such a little squirrel i am . . . gathering & storing for fest and survival.

i shook my head the other day listening to one of my professors.  how profound.  he said in his day he would go snow skiing quite a bit & often times the buddies he would ski with would complain when their equipment broke.  yes ~ and . . . then he said, "what's the alternative"

uh-oh, was he talking to me & my craft hording ways . . . if the shoe fits ~ wear it, or at least slip it on to determine whether or not to purchase . . .

how i love this quote:

Do I bite into something, chew it up thoroughly, spit out what I don't like, and assimilate what I find nourishing and healthy, or do I "swallow hole" what others have told me ~ whether i like it or not? - courtesy of Instinctive Health Parenting 4U's Blog

so... i think to myself ~ in a million years as i shake my head does the professor have a clue i am thinking of how i tip'toe around my paper, stickers, and stamps.  i think sometimes i have picked things up because i truly fell in love with the design or an idea.  the moment the sticker is out of the bag and onto the paper the sternness of reality sets in.  no more dreams for that piece of paper ~ destiny has spoke.

the alternative . . . is replacing pressure with pleasure.  the pleasure of creating from what is before me - focusing in fact, on what it is that i have rather what i am missing. 

i think i discovered in this last week something about myself.  i buy books because i love them - yes, but because i feel insufficient without them.  i am a knowledge collector ~ i have difficulty claiming my own thoughts, i'd rather rest in others.  perhaps my feelings are still too tender and when people disagree with a technique i place the disagreement on someone else's shoulder.

i don't know.  i think i want to make a little here and now space for myself.  i want to claim what i am feeling ~ thinking ~ now.  so when i'm in my blue room . . . i act on inspiration and not fret over the many, many ways the project could go differently.

i barely made it through the first few blogs of this year because i couldn't manage to feel good about what it was - that this blog was about ~ thank you Birdie . . . this blog is about me - ever changing, growing me.  what would be the alternative.  that i remain the same?  no thank you.

so feel free to make space for your current self . . .

speak freely and open-heartedly ~ experience all that this day and every day after is meant to provide.

♥