reflection of wrongs

i can't step away from wondering if i should be open to reconciliation.

in the last year - after seeing a therapist weekly for longer than just a few months. i've started to see some real .. like i knew i wasn't perfect .. but then i didn't really realize what an elaborate system i have going on upstairs.

i think he was saying the other day that up was down and left was right in my home. that i have learned how to process and translate the input, so i'm not completely odd out in the real world, but the poor partners that sat closest to me.

i used to sit on the couch and wait for him to come home. my home a wreck. i mean. cloths unwashed, dishes dirty, floor covered with toddler type things & i just sat there.. not wanting to move.

i thought this week - no wonder he never came home. i didn't make our home a home.

it gets all over me and into the unders of my skin when people attempt to communicate with me thru questions. question after question & the kick.. they are asking questions so when i answer they are going to have ammunition to ask more. surely - i have to tell myself - they are not digging into me to be judgemental and prophetic, but shoveling in to be somewhere besides just with their own thoughts.

ok. i get it, but what i told my mom - is, "just start a conversation with me by talking about something, yourself, or someone. i'll join in - just quit asking me questions."

so. i asked him questions all the time. when he didn't speak i wanted him to speak to me, and how did i go about that - doing exactly what my mom did to me - asking question after question.

so i apologized yesturday to him. for not being a better person, a better wife when we were together.

he stalled a little today when picking our dtr up. he played with the dog we acquired together a little longer & ate a hot dog before leaving. he said the girl he began living with before the divorce was final is "a little different"..

why does that make me happy.

i don't know. starting over - being in the know about what i am seeking. makes it really difficult. it makes me want to run back and make babies with my dtr's daddy. isn't the orginal biological unit gold?

getting home from Denver.. Part III

yeah.. i know - it's been like 2 mos.

i just reread over that last blog & sorry for all the typos, as i'm sure more will follow. i get a little too exact sometimes with my writing & so - if i actually want to get anything out - especially something of length.. i just have to relax & type. besides. after all that typing my fingers & wrists hurt (smile).

so. kids. third part. and like i said - i could have written the other better, but from what some of you have said - encouraging me to get back on the horse - you've followed me so far - so let's jump down the hole.

exhausted i am crushed by the absence of my luggage. squished like playdoh. i think most of it was being tired. being alone. being a virgin of solo flight travel. looking back, i'm glad it was me walking around. i tend to ask questions that others can get a little fed up with, so i'm glad it was just me - following the little Hispanic man that seemed to know what was going on.

because of all the mix-ups there were literal lines of luggage sitting out. haven't we heard enough about lines? but i had been thru them all & i did not see my green ribbon (always put a marker on your luggage - it helps when looking in a sea of common color) tied to my black bag, or my new blue suitcase that i bought at Steamboat's local Wal-Mart (3 pieces for $24.99).

so i made it to the counter & the fella looks at me like i'm weird because i need to be asking "the other counter" because that is the line that i've switched too, but i'd have to wait until 5a or so before you speak to them, because the lady just left. i walk that way & honestly - the Chicago airline has a beautiful airport area, but the baggage claim - yuck! - cracked concrete floors. it didn't feel safe, so i lay in the middle of the & don't ask me the correct name for this. but the luggage comes out in a swiggle & the swiggle travels along an island? anyway. i slept on the island. and the security guard said i shouldn't, but then turned and walked the other direction & allowed for my rest. i needed some rest.

at the moment i walked out of my dream was the moment i realized i wasn't in a bed, but laying under a security light right next to the baggage info desk. 3 girls stood in line and i picked myself up - light headed - and exhausted - i went to the line and stood there. the girls were complaining about curling irons or the continental breakfast being cold & i drifted to thinking about a bed and a locked door.

turns out - if my bag is headed to KY - it's on its way to Ky. no rechecking necessary.

i walked to Terminal 2 - for US Airways - some kid, and perhaps i should say - someone undereducated in the ways of proper "keep these people in line" protocol - still looking to do the greater good rather than follow all the rules.

all over the place there were secret portals - people reaching out to me - placing me where i needed to be.

so, by the time i moved through the line - taking much less time that the line i was suppose to be in - the lady looked at me - yes, over her glasses & asked how i got in this line. i looked over to the young fella & he smiled, she shook her head, and moved me thru. thanks! i get to "window" (back checker, ticket maker) - she has no idea what i am talking about. the information the lady has given me from the evening before, the one that called me back after saying the Indi flight wouldn't do. i had specifically asked for flight and seat number. but nothing.

so i walk away and i called American Airlines, on hold i am moving to Terminal 3 & i'm standing in line when i get someone on the phone & its not US Airways, its United. so i hop on the mini subway - again - and head to Terminal 1.

i am standing in line & by now i am wearing a badge that gives me excuse to sit in the middle of line. i'm coming from Denver, i'm trying to get home, i'm ready to get my ticket and take this flight to North Carolina. oh - i didn't mention that. i would be catching a 4pm flight from ChicagoNorth Carolina, then from North Carolina to Louisville, arriving somewhere around midnight. but understanding what i do now - good - because my luggage was going there anyway. can you imagine me getting off in Indianapolis, and then traveling to Louisville to get my luggage? to

so i finally get to speak to the man. he begins typing away, shaking his head & i am silent. he tells me that my flight was not confirmed. that i have no flight.

no flight.

all this switching. at least before i was going to end up 4 hours from home, but now i am 13 hours from home and not even in the system. not so horrible if it was a normal weekend of travel, but this weekend of travel is the saturday before monday Christmas & Chicago already had weather delays the day before, people were already on standby, and i walk away & again head to Terminal 3 (count with me.. its the 4th ride for me and all my stuff). as i am walking up the steps to catch the mini'sub i get a girl on the phone & i tell her the situation. she proceeds to argue with me, i tell her - its their airline, i'm not confirmed, i'm not in the system, help me... so she is logistically processing the information, and all of a sudden states, "oh - i found something much better - you are headed to louisville - right?" "yes"

"how about the 1030a flight to Louisville?"

"really - both (only two were leaving O'Hare that day) were booked last night."

and so i listen to her typing. i ask for my seat number & all i have to do is take the code, type it in & i should have my electronic boarding pass (no baggage check-in required)...

i'm happy. don't get my wrong. but this is a little too good to be true; supported by the fact - after walking down the steps into American Airlines terminal, and punching in the code for the electronic boarding pass & the machine spitting out an error message.

as you could imagine. i'm quiet at this point. everything is loud, and i don't hear anything. i am standing in line & i am with my Creator & i am orphaned in His Hands - helpless.

she waved her hand & i moved into her slot, i give her my paper spit out & i waited in silence. lots of typing. lots. i decide not to question. i am in capable hands. if there isn't a spot for me here - she is searching for a spot somewhere else. i will allow her to work. one boarding pass after another - printed, ripped - printed, ripped. and finally she looks up - and manicured nails, on tanned hands - a boarding pass for the 1030am flight to Louisville.

something about my flights being all messed up & she just wanted to clean it up a bit.

i'm in the line for security, people are complaining about the traffic, and i can't believe how blessed i am. that it was really about being faithful to the process. one step in front of the other & the 1030a flight to Louisville had always been there waiting for me.

the fella next to me had missed his flight. overslept. he was trying for a stand by flight & i wished him luck & silenced my joy out of respect. it was the saturday before monday Christmas & getting home was critical. when you aren't getting home, words can't console.

my faithful friend was in the airport for me - waiting - ever supportive during the last 24 hours. available.

but - i had learned a few tricks along the way & when he thought we should be waiting for my luggage to come out - i walked strait to the baggage claim desk - an 830a flight from Chicago had left before mine & there those wonderful bags sat. oh. you can not imagine how it felt to be walking in the Louisville Airport, picking up my two bags. calling home & telling my brother i was on my way - that he could wait, i would put MY Angel down for her nap.

yip-ee!

all my angst. i sat - completely humbled - and thankful to be in my home of small spaces. home with my family for Christmas. home to place cookies on the table & to watch mya sprinkle reindeer food out...

getting home from Denver.. Part II

so as i am walking the long lines asking whether these people are still waiting for American Airlines, one foreign man answered in all the tens that i asked. so i'm passing the hundreds of people in line i start to really freak out.. i keep thinking about - first come first serve - so i do what any person would do, make another call into my friend about e'checking in..

so i give him my confirmation code, he looks up my flight, he checks me in & states there is a question about getting a seat. i tell him - i didn't care, any seat & my heart is jumping for my seat. give me a seat.

stall..

"oh no," he states "all the seats are X'd out."

so i fall into a silence, and tell him i'll call him once i know something. by this time i am standing at the end of the longest line of my life, and all i want to do is talk to someone that knows something. if i have a flight out - i should have a flight out, and that is that i told myself. so i follow the line in the opposite direction, looking for someone - some professional that can give me another way out, besides this long line i'll not get thru. as i make it to the front of the building i remember two things - one, the "short" curbside check in line, "two" American Airline workers have to be working that line.

so i step outside and..

[for anyone reading my blogs you may have noticed - i call God, Abba Father ~ meaning Daddy God ~ i have accepted i am far from perfect (smile), however i still would like to have a relationship with the Jesus, so i call Him my Savior] [this story is about how God worked things out for one of His dtrs, me]

the guy in front of me happens to be on my flight going out to Chicago. he assures me that you can check baggage & recieve a boarding pass in this line. i am feeling a little better until he askes me what my seat number is. i tell him i don't have one, and he says, "oh well, you always need a seat number." he takes my number so he can call me with the Gate Number, so i can be first for stand'by. when i thought of stand'by i thought of that long line & how many people before me, that had spent the night in line were stand'by before me.

so again - my spirit sinks.

i stand in line, i get up the guy - i am well aware of the fact all seats are X'd out, and i am talking and he hands me my seat - flight 1536, seat 26C. i look at my ticket in disbelief and i say to him, "so this means i'm going home"

"yes ma'am"

i am so crazy happy - just free as a bird walking back into the madhouse. i walk back thru the lines, i find the one foreign man that helped me & told him to have his wife stand in line, that i didn't want to lead him wrong, however - he should try the curbside check'in. i walked to the end trying to find the "new mom" that told the one crazy lady 'what was what' - but i didn't find her. i happend across a pilot and asked my next direction..

downstairs and thru security - and so i went.

i followed yet another long line, but i didn't care - i had my ticket and i was headed home. and yes - although i was happy-appy for myself - i still thought of sarah & bill and i wondered what would happen.

the longer i stood in line, the quicker i moved to the area of squiggled line of security the more content and thankful i was. now all i had to do was get a connector flight changed, as my flight was departing 720p MST, and my O'hare flight was leaving 830p CST (same time). just when things seemed smoothe, i noticed the line i was in moving towards that huge windows looking out, away in fact from the security line. i wondered what was going on & the lady behind me explained that the line had looped around the whole downstairs. so i followed. by the time i made it too the point where i take my shoes off & anything metal, the line had looped twice, so again i was thankful.

as i took the mini'subway to my Gate things seemed to be a little less choatic. i decided to stand in line once i got to my gate & deal with the connector.

surprisely - the 15 or 20 people line to talk with the AA (American Airline) took me no shorter than 2 hours to move thru. i don't understand still why. somewhere in the middle, my phone was lossing charge due to the use that morning. the lady in back of me asked if i wanted to use hers, and so i did - however - if Bart called in, i'd have to let her have it. i dialed in to AA's 800 line, and i was on hold for about 5 min when Bart called in, i passed it & they commenced to arguing for 10-15 minutes.

i got back on the line & a fella finally picked up and gave me the option for a flight out of Chicago to Indianapolis or Nashville, not before however - him telling me my current flight was cnxled, and asking me to hold for 5 min, something about the delay & how the flight to Miami was cnxled?? (can you imagine my nerves at this point?) i didn't know what was what - so i said Indi.. confirmed with the desk & i get a call back from the message i had left my family & they would come, but preferred Nashville - still the issue of the car existed. so i left a message for another friend & asked if he was was coming into town for the holidays, if so if i could catch a ride with him up.

because everyone was using the outlets for their ipods & mac computers (cell's too of course), i began to look for alternatives. so i remembered bathrooms always have places for curling irons and such. so i went - with my big red purse, my blue carryon & my coat of many colors (smile) & plopped myself on the bathroom floor while i charged my phone.

as i am sitting - i hear "Pursell, Party of Two, Gate Z24" and i remember thinking they didn't make it (they, sarah & bill) - or they were running right then - and would be safely on their way.

as my flight is being moved from 720p to 815p, i sit and i try to make the call to AA's 800 line again. a lady pops on the phone & she says that just won't do re: going to Indianapolis when i should be arriving in Louisville. she is clicking away, and then tells me that my current flight is canceled. i say, "pardon" and she puts me on hold .. at this point - because i already knew their were problems with the Miami leg of 1536, i thought - the cancellation was true, so my tears steamed as i sat alone at the quiet end of the terminal.

she got back on phone - asked if i was there - "yes" - and apologizes, that the flight was re'instated. that if she could call me back - she would work on my flight. so i held on hold until i was afraid my phone wouldn't have enough charge, and as i am holding i see Sarah & Bill quickly walking past..

turns out - Sarah and Bill got on the next flight, made it to Portland, stayed the night & made it to their place in Oregon by the next day.

i made it to Chicago, after the lady had called letting me know i was switching airlines, that i would need to get my luggage & re'check in the following morning.

so i get off the flight, i move along with rest of Flight 1536 & i get to baggage & flight 706 is coming out, Flight 1536 must be coming with the flight coming in 2 hrs.

so i prop myself up on a chair, i get my message from my friend in Nashville. and on his message he prayed for me.. he prayed that God would have His angels about me, that I was a mommy & needed extra care.

tears streamed my eyes from exhaustion, sitting strait up, hugging my purse & carry on i drifted off for just long enough to see the complaint line, of "what happened to our luggage" disapate.

Flight 706 luggage claim came & went with none of my luggage, i felt heartbroken.. and yes - i knew that could mail me the luggage, but this was Christmas, and those were my Christmas Presents for my family..

Part III & then i'm done.. but you've got to read how i get home the following day!!

getting home from Denver.. Part I

remember hearing about Holiday Blizzard 2006?

some of you know i took off to colorado for a non'ski-ski trip with my best friend and her husband the week before christmas. mya spent the week with erick which was a good thing - a reality check.. that daddy is not always fun'guy'usa, that he too will have her going to school and to bed on time (smile).

so i've only traveled the airlines once alone & that was a strait shot from ky to maryland. this time - i was switching in chicago. my greatest fears were being late to the airport, running for my flight, missing my connector.. normal anxiety type things.. all to come true on this trip out west.

so. i arrived a little over an hour before my flight out of ky, i walked in the airport and i saw a line squiggled thru a few rows and a ball started to knot in my stomach.

i'm standing behind a pack of some business people dressed to the 9's & a black woman walks by talking to one of her work mates about the how she doesn't "know why people stand in line, when they can just check in curb side"..

"excuse me" and so i followed her & my bags were checked, boarding pass given. i walked back to the exec's in line with me & let them know the good news & maybe i looked odd to them, but they chose to stay still, and i walked thru security.

the flight was delayed. simple enough i thought, but this guy kept going on and on about all his whoahs & finally i responded to him. thru the conversation the reality hit that.. "oh, so you are saying if my flight is delayed here, i'll miss my connecting flight and not get to colorado."

"yea"

"oh, so i need to go talk to the guy up there"

"yea"

and so i did, and i got the final flight leaving from chicago to Denver that night. unfortunately the flight was so delayed, that i nearly missed the connector. as i was getting off they said i needed to go to Gate H6, not so bad - we were coming off of H3. i walked quickly and as i am approaching the counter i am seeing Toronto, Canada in the scroll bar.. i approached the two ladies & the one took my ticket and gave me an odd look, saying "you had better hurry because they are boarding now at something 13"

"Apple 13" as i am turning away to run..

"Kilo 13" and i am running, running, running, down two, over one corridors.. as i was moving thru the K Gates i began feeling the point coming when i wouldn't be able to run any further. the air was becoming thin, as i began to wheez from the struggle - my legs shifting one in front of the other, i felt my weight & now the once fluid motion had been replaced with stalled lungings. i started to stop, and my mind raced wondering how i would tell Sarah & Bill that i missed the flight because i couldn't run anymore.. when i could go no futher i turned my head to see my progress, and to my relief - Kilo 13 -.. i pounded to the counter outstretched my arm and breathed "i just got off my last flight"

as they had already started to call stand'bys i was blessed to be given an alternative seat..

and so i made it.. (next time, i'll tell one of the two ladies to tell the K13 counter i am coming, to hold my seat)

...........................................................................................

so 4500 people were stranded unable to catch flights out of Denver due to the storm. 4500 people slept thru Wednesday Dec 20th due to the blizzard taking Denver by storm.

the news stated if it quit snowing by noon Thursday Dec 21st they would resume airline travel on a limited basis Friday Dec 22nd noon. i and my friends were glued to the news reports. lots of questions. would the roads be cleared enought to make the 3 hr drive thru the mountains? would my flight be one of the flights going out? would they honor our flights, or would they bumb us to assist the thousands still trying to leave?

we had called the C-DOT, or the C-O-D-O-T, as our shuttle driver called it.. however, the department of transportation & it said all the roads were open the morning of our departure, however chains were required for the Eisenhower Tunnel.. Chains!!

turns out - chains for commercial vehicles only.

close to the Denver's Airport i called into a friend and had him look at possibly doing a pre'flight e'check'in. as he looked, it looked like my flight had been moved from 315p to 720p; Sarah & Bill's flight was on time, still at 515p. a sigh of relief came over us as we were stuck crawling thru 'just outta work on the half-day friday afternoon before Christmas' traffic.

i had some relief, however when Bill and Sarah stated they thought of having some tea before heading to the airport & dropping off the rent-a-car, my heart zinged & i politely asked if i could be dropped off before they did those things, that i would prefer to sit at my Gate. and yes, this is the 'safer than sorrier' part of my personality that can rub someone the wrong way.

me telling mya that i would be waking her up that evening when i arrived home was all i could think of. my integrity is important to me, i want to be a mommy that keeps her promises. it made me sick thinking, knowing that if i missed my flight today, it wouldn't be till the Tuesday the 26th, or 27th before catching the next available flight due to the masses stranded due to the blizzard.. as a single mom, the provider of santa's surprises.. you can imagine my angst.

so we pulled into the Departures Drop'Off & it looked pretty normal, because like the news had stated, if a person didn't have a flight scheduled, he or she shouldn't come in.. so i was expecting normal, if not light traffic.

i hugged Sarah & gave Bill a high'five. we left saying we would see each other at the gates, and that was that - i turned towards the double doors as they drove off. because Sarah & Bill are currently living in England, they were without cell service in the states, so when they drove off - they were off & connecting with them again would have to be face2face.

i walked in the door and my heart sank.. i saw not only the squiggled line towards American Airlines, but the line that followed the side wall, and Denver International Airport is one of the largest airlines i've seen. to illustrate, they have a subway'shuttle to move a person to their available Gates.

so i come in and i didn't know why the line, i figured they were the 1000 or so people that choose to stay behind for a chance at Stand'By, but surely - me being a scheduled flight i could step into the line i did. not 5 minutes into the wait that a woman rushed the group i was standing in - talking fast and matter of factly - yelling that it wasn't about scheduled flights - it was first'come'first serve, to get in the back of the line.

thankfully - because i've never been trained to verbally fight with someone, the young mom holding a brand'new infant in front of me handled the ordeal - stating that she was sorry, but until we were asked to move by security that she would continue in the line.

no sooner had she said this, did a security guard approach and ask us all to the back of the line..

so i followed the line, and the line - "first come first serve" kept repeating in my head. every face said i wasn't getting home this day. making it to the end of the line, still dazed, i heard someone yelling and shaking their fists at me from across the walk way. the person in front of me turned and told me the end of the line wasn't where i was standing and pointed towards another line as long as the one i just followed.

so again, "first come first serve" repeated over and over & my heart sank again because of Bill and Sarah & me not making it home. i get to the end of the line & again i hear someone yelling, "the end of the line is over there"..

again - i crossed a walk way and continued to follow. at the end - if i had just passed 500, i had just passed 750 people, and i couldn't understand how i was going to get thru the line.. i couldn't understand how i was going to catch my flight, how i was going to get home..

wow.. its that simple?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

wow.. its that simple? Category: Blogging so i'm currently looking out the window at the local library here in steamboat, colorado - one of the favorite spots for ski'ing.. not a ski bum myself - however i did visit the hot springs yesturday.. i'll try and post some pics when i get back to the k - y.. but.. it was really amazing. enough of that (smile) so this "particular person" sitting in the back of my mind for the past so many years - too many years.. i was praying about it - as we all know - let me be free!! and my be'fri sarah & i (only people graduating in the 90's would have any idea what i am talking about) were driving the curvy long roads out of denver and into steamboat. i brought up what she had discovered about the strong association & it was really neat.. like.. when does person pop up - i told her when i am making the hard choices. the choices that are more or less against the grain of the world, and more faith based. i feel him knodding his head in agreement, cheering me on. and if it is me and you against the world - i am happy and ready for the fight.. or so i would tell myself. so.. she posed.. how about replacing his figure with a figure of your 'ideal self'.. hum.. could this be the tool i've been waiting long years for? for this particular person is not the only person that has been present, before him was michael - however - michael got lost somewhere in my 1st marriage (hee!) (i know, not so funny to some - but to me - it makes me laugh - like i'm liz taylor or something) but i really felt released. i was crying the other night.. kind of finally feeling single - which is this amazing feeling.. its being in this place where i look to God and say - again - i get it - and i am in a place in this race that was hidden from me before.. and i know that sounds so bizarre, the "finally single" part.. but i guess what it was - when i escaped from fred - and i became to really know the Lord & i met this particular person, and he seemed to share the same heart as me, but also including the sketchy past - i just felt home. i felt accepted and loved; partnered in fact. not that we were ever an item.. but the whole elisabeth elliot thing sometimes keeps a girl like me hooked. no one can ever say i am null of devotion. so i knew he pop'd up a bit & i thought for a longer than i should say it was the Spirit that tied my heart to his dispite great times of distance and silence. now .. however .. it was merely me - failing to rely on myself. that i am home with me, that i am now creating a home for my dtr, that my home is always in Christ & i am His. i have hated feeling like an orphan, but perhaps this is what draws me so close. so.. guess i'll take me and my ideal self and get back in the snow!! enough of deep stuff. i'm closing the door on this chapter, and its about time (smile).

new day - new blog

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

new day - new blog
Category: Blogging

so.. this blogging thing.. it almost feels like a journal - 'cept people read it.. right? so. i was thinking.. (yep, it happens) musicians put their music out there - they open up their hearts and their talents to translate something.

so.. what if i was a writer? and what if i am an autobiographical person.. that if i couldn't write about myself - i wouldn't know how to write. i suppose i'm not one to gossip - i am one to analyze - but i like to analyze mostly everything as it pertains to me.. all about me - right? i suppose. i don't know anything else. how can i pretend to know someone if i barely know myself?

i think when i have known true musicians - any true artist - most are always a little bit about themselves & i think it has to be like that.. who is going to carve time for their craft if not themselves? who is going to make their art a priority if not them? so. perhaps a i'm a little puffed up to write, but really its a little deeper.

could be i have defined myself as according to my latest love. could be i have associated my hopes and dreams with fellas & not myself .. so when the person disappears so then does my motivation, my reason. maybe now i am writing to myself - writing just to write - and - maybe this is when i still feel like me, that my mistakes have only created a deeper place from which to draw from the well..

i was driving down the road the other day & like it has happened for the past 5 years - a certain someone creeps into my thoughts. it is confusing and distructive. to be told clearly - i am not his future, why then would i be in some odd reality that i would still continue to speak to God, to pray for him, to think of him, to measure every man by him.. a him that really doesn't exist, or so in a way that i have created him to be.

so - my wonderful - wonderful friend - she said something so clear. that when i escaped from my first marriage 6 years ago - when i entered back into society - i was blank. i built from blankness - i built a foundation in a little womb of love - becoming passionate about God's healing, God's love, God's amazing way of working things out - creating rights from wrongs..

during that time - i met up with this certain individual - and - more than him, i fell in love with the Spirit pouring out of his broken bones. i jumped on his bandwagon - understood his passion & wanted to support the passion myself. if he walked into fire, i would walk in behind him - period.

so.. somehow & i will dig into this in the next weeks with lentz - but how strong of an association i have made with him? that's deep, you know (smile).. i mean - i have had serious convictions that he was the one, random affirmations over time.. enough that i'm his unconditional groupie.

something about pulling out the dreams i have associated with him & then combining them with me.. but then - like the time i applied to work with a mssionary board - that i couldn't due to the "divorce" & now i got another "divorce" and a child.. wonder what that makes me now? double disqualified..

i feel barren - broken - forgotten, but God builds best from that. right?

it's about mya..

Sunday, December 10, 2006

it's about mya.. Category: Blogging i will say before you end a marriage you think twice when child or children are involved. i found the letter i wrote mya after i knew i was leaving her daddy. i remember writing it so there wouldn't be any confusion re: the reasons.. i actually pulled it (happened across it) out last night; i had it tucked in the pages of my bible. i suppose its good to check in with reality ever so often. i, like we, tend to remember the good - manageable parts. the not so manageable gets put someplace safe? so.. i spoke with erick about the visitation on christmas eve. i just think the time is precious when santa still rides his sleigh, so i want it protected as much as possible. he said he would be taking her to his girlfriends family's place - a trip into louisville. i just have a hard time trusting things are going to go ok.. when 3 other children will be there & all 3 children are in elementary, the validity of santa will - i'm sure come up - . - i worry. today - though - i realize i am not believing erick, but believing God for what her life is about... and santa may not be a big deal, but when i realize how many christmas mornings i have spent in my home - one - and nobody is stopping to realize this is my only chance.. she could be my only child. i don't want to hoard her, just protect her - memorize her. so.. it was a horrible conversation 2 days ago. i start to talk with him and his face starts to configure into shapes of "not listening" or "don't bother me".. i start internally freaking out & i stumble all over my words until it is a couple hours after he leaves that i think better how i would have said things.. i guess stability is huge - or so i understand - i don't quite understand broken jig'saw families.. or makeshift families.. the one that is created once he moves in with her and her child. i just want to keep things intentional. building a foundation of family memories with the family that is going to be around. i am so impatient. so.. i spoke with him today on the phone & it was such a gentle productive conversation & i mentioned to him - instead of him not seeing her, just picking her up once he was home from louisville and visiting with her family.. i know mya would want to see her and her son & daddy of course. a few hours later he calls back and he tells me just the way he should.. he tells me how it is important for him to beable to take mya with him to louisville. so.. who is the right and wrong labeler.. can't be me.. who is me.. so i asked to get off the phone and he called back a little later to tell me he would be getting her around 5p. so i share my dtr.. this is my heart breaking. this is my lifetime.. so i focus not on my life, but the life of my dtr and sharing with her - her blood, her father and decisions he makes. so.. i'm sad. i can't remember the last conversation erick and i ever really connected on & this was one.. its bitter sweet.

i read blogs because...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

i read blogs because... Category: Blogging to be . in write . of some blogs - i ponder but a moment to.. hee! i caught ya - i know i get deep on these things.. but really - its no big deal. i'm just paddling thru and when i take some time in reflection and i have about 3 hrs to write a blog - i write it.. like i spent 3 hrs with it.. i'm really kind of slow. slow to get things for sure. to believe i'm 31 at the time of composition & i'm just now getting it.. and the it is always changing.. this is the saddest thing.. and i really write to a community vrs a person -

back and forth..

back and forth..
Category: Blogging

the dreams.. associated with a person.. how do i start to tell you in a way you can understand, and if you can begin to find compassion in me - won't you then - find compassion in yourself?

these feelings that i have - dreams, hopes, visions. whose are they - if not mine? i just realized how alone i feel. how without a connection - how desperately single i am. how i don't have the energy to date, so the thought of building the way i should.. seems impossible - and - so i am defeated before i begin.

U . 2 Me Sister . R

Thursday, December 07, 2006

U . 2 Me Sister . R you are more than these words, but still i'll attempt to say - your beauty far reaches past smiles and listening looks. U . 2 Me Sister . R a feeling of breeze on a stale day security in the dark stillness in the quake. a hand when i am falling running standing still. you to me sister are . amazing

gosh.. the ups and the downs..

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

gosh.. the ups and the downs.. ok.. good people of nottingham (smile).. i must say - i was 'manic me' in that last blog.. and before you go thinking in am clinically off - i will tell you i am well within limits, it's just i get really happy sometimes.. so i make lots of calls, and i like to make lots of plans - thankfully - i am better than before & i have healthy ways of expending my energy. i wanted to get back on because i've come down a bit and i want to be available for what God has for me. i want to be open to the fullness of time, and be a big girl of faith & realize time may take awhile. i want to model patience & perseverance.. i want to be content in the minute that has been given. i have to make the best, be the best in the current time given & not always be wishing, hoping, praying for more. i have lots to learn. my true desire is that i can become independent, create a life with mya that resembles strength and wisdom. i've been the most resilient of hearts, but as i become step by step and not running from one spot to the next - do i begin to realize the brokenness of my heart & how fiercely protective of the foundation i am creating for her..

Amazing Spirit!!

maybe i should wait til later - to tell this story - but right now i just want to say..

i get it! i get it!

i have been sitting in this perpetual state of limbo. i know this fella is a good man, and i know i need a good man. but deep - i just want Paul.. some amazing man for God - someone sprung from dark to light & just can't get over the light..

and i know - i speak the cryptic language - but i can't help but write from that part in my heart, it moves over into my brain.. in sobriety - i have found the best high from what the Holy Spirit will do out of no where..

i have been struggling for the last 3 or 4 mos - back and forth & just being exactly who i don't like.. and last night i went to bed - asking God to help me with what is going on here.

i can't very well argue with lentz, but i can't argue with the abundance sisters and brothers tell me i can have - fullness i can trust God for...

so.. about this Christian thing..

i feel like i was being told that a man seeking truth was good enough, that it is about actions and not words.. so a good man is a good man. so then why - when i've never had one - would i still want more. why would i be so bold to want Paul.

because..

and this is what makes sense - on all levels - i've always wondered why God has blessed me in the community of women i've been given since before i even knew enough to ask. i've had friends - amazing girls of God speckled all over my past. i wonder and have been distrusting of some of my friendships now - just because i didn't get it.. i didn't get how these amazing women would have time for me - and are we friends - or am i just part of their ministry... are they friends with me because their hearts love me, or because God would have them to be.. its a trust thing..

it was today that i got it.. when we are called to be Christian - we are called to a belief that is beyond logic, somewhere beyond a leap.

it is my heart - that the first thing on my mind when meeting a person is, "are you christian?" & i can't tell you the number of times i have come right out and asked just because i needed to know..

i ask because it is important to me.. i ask because God's love has made such an impression on me, that i want all people to have it - i want all people to have the opportunity for super natural love..

so.. thats my heart - its a heart that has a calling.. so no wonder - in the deepest part of me - i expect, i long for the man that shares the same heart.. a man that will be sad with me after meeting a wandering soul.

so.. yes.. this sir i've been dating is a good man, but his heart isn't about saving the lost.. we have different callings & he isn't bad because of it, and i am no better. that feels so amazing - to know that God's love is loving and not rejecting, that when i am ending a "good thing" i am simple making room for each of us to find who best fits our puzzle piece...

this is so huge - i can let go of the what if's.. i can be still and know that He is God and i can trust Him for abundance.. that i won't be the guy on top of the house that by passes all His blessings looking for something else. i am looking for God to show up in the most unlikely of places.. how awesome is God - that His Amazing Son was born in a stinky manger, that He lead by giving His Life.. God is unlikely - - but so right on time!!

so.. not sure who gets what a big deal this is.

but it has been really amazing since i recommitted my life to Christ on June 4th of this year - how much i have learned.. the hard lessons in fact.

so.. i am blessed to be His - that there is clarity in the confusion..

lunch @ fazoli's

Friday, December 01, 2006

lunch @ fazoli's Category: Blogging i swear i thought she was yelling at me. when i am trying to tell her i am trying to decide what to do about my X, she then proceeds to ask me if i am crazy. maybe. i told her i just zoned out - gave up - what we had was low conflict, far from abusive & i just wasn't willing to watch the story anymore. i have a tendency to move far, far ahead. it gets me thinking of tomorrow, when today stinks - hear me? "you signed out - out of survival" - "he never came home and it tore you up, it made you sick" - "for God's sake, you started smoking pot again just to get his attentions" - "need i remind you of more" and i felt myself close off & i knew it was true, but i just had this thought - that people change & if he could change - then maybe that would be far better for my dtr than her mother being single - on'going. i used to be the most resilient heart, more so than anyone you would meet - i would enter each and every relationship heart first & head last. when things went terribly asunder i would cry and cry, but the moment another suitable suitor came along - again - heart first, as if i had never been hurt. now. a bit different. children cause we grown'ups to be different. i am better, i am guarded because of her. i refuse for her to be second to biological bonds. like i said - i grew up being the sister of 3 boys - we are all connected thru my mother, but i am not my father's child. and i know now - maybe he couldn't be better - but i always felt less.. it is all over me to keep my dtr from that feeling. the easiest way - would be thru keeping with her biological father. at the sacrifice of myself? maybe.

post lentz

and yes - he is genius. amazing genius. the fact he is with me & not refusing me, loving me & helping me love myself most..

so.

i posed the question of getting back with my X & yes it would solve lots of problems in regards to mya - and - her worth.. especially since she is a daddy's girl.

so the concern would be of course - trust - how would i even attempt to feel safe in that relationship, how could i ever know - that his old ways wouldn't soon be his current ways. is it true that he has to earn my trust & when then has he earned it & how then do i handle breech of trust after - he has proved himself.. when we know the breech will send me spinning back to many nights i woke at 1 or 2am and him not being home.

lots of things said.. but one statement ran thru me - especially when thinking about whether i would be willing to reconcile.

my fear, my untrust - is my stuff - there is nothing a person can say to make me trust him again. it all has to be worked out within myself. like i've said - i've been seeing a mentor - him - lentz - for longer than a few months & working on oneself is a difficult process. the rewards - however - are worth it.

i have self control that i never knew i had - i have installed the minute it takes me to process out a trigger, to step away & to feel good about not doing what would have made me feel worse.

so.. the rewards are great when working on myself.. dealing with my stuff. the rewards of spending lots of time - working on the trust factor with him - the rewards? i'm just not sure.

most people talk - he didn't. most people laugh - he didn't. most people like there to be at least a little bit of a fuss when it comes to making a family dinner - he didn't.

but that is yesterday & this is the present.

so. the shear exhaustion that came over me - knowing the amount of work it would take to get to a place where i could be better to him, meaning trusting him, loving him - with a fresh love - sounded like a mountain i wasn't willing to climb.