i can't step away from wondering if i should be open to reconciliation.
in the last year - after seeing a therapist weekly for longer than just a few months. i've started to see some real .. like i knew i wasn't perfect .. but then i didn't really realize what an elaborate system i have going on upstairs.
i think he was saying the other day that up was down and left was right in my home. that i have learned how to process and translate the input, so i'm not completely odd out in the real world, but the poor partners that sat closest to me.
i used to sit on the couch and wait for him to come home. my home a wreck. i mean. cloths unwashed, dishes dirty, floor covered with toddler type things & i just sat there.. not wanting to move.
i thought this week - no wonder he never came home. i didn't make our home a home.
it gets all over me and into the unders of my skin when people attempt to communicate with me thru questions. question after question & the kick.. they are asking questions so when i answer they are going to have ammunition to ask more. surely - i have to tell myself - they are not digging into me to be judgemental and prophetic, but shoveling in to be somewhere besides just with their own thoughts.
ok. i get it, but what i told my mom - is, "just start a conversation with me by talking about something, yourself, or someone. i'll join in - just quit asking me questions."
so. i asked him questions all the time. when he didn't speak i wanted him to speak to me, and how did i go about that - doing exactly what my mom did to me - asking question after question.
so i apologized yesturday to him. for not being a better person, a better wife when we were together.
he stalled a little today when picking our dtr up. he played with the dog we acquired together a little longer & ate a hot dog before leaving. he said the girl he began living with before the divorce was final is "a little different"..
why does that make me happy.
i don't know. starting over - being in the know about what i am seeking. makes it really difficult. it makes me want to run back and make babies with my dtr's daddy. isn't the orginal biological unit gold?