after viewing last week’s video a few times, and receiving Miranda’s response (again ~ thanks so much for the input), i started to think of all the things the video left out. in fact, i had a little seize come upon my heart until self-talk took over. i told myself this is the beginning and in the beginning things are never clear.
just like life, there is always more to the story.
the day, at last, has become quiet so i can spend time with this very special project. thank You for this space ~ i am excited to share some ways others have shown Compassion for me, in fact no one gift out weighs another; and so i was unsure until i received some wisdom from our forming group...
many, many moons ago ~ before i knew the present would ever arrive, i was lost ~ and inside a small voice echoed over and over . . . worthless . . . worthless . . . worthless . . .
nothing from another seemed to connect because i felt disconnected; like a dirty little girl, no shoes, in rags. and though i didn’t appear much different than i do today – then, like a hole, i was empty.
i felt ashamed of myself, not in control of myself, destined to never be any different than myself & my self wasn’t something i considered worth saving. in fact – multiple times i deliberated with my safety.
in the middle of self-loathing and wishing for breathe to stop; i happened across the sweetest soul. it would be hard to describe her, but like a melody, she is soothing in her rhythm.
through our conversations ~ i learned another could relate to me despite not being me. by her listening to my story and sharing her own, i felt something real was formed. like the bond formed in the middle of mutual smiles, the knowingness. just seeing her was an encouragement. knowing she had struggled – was still struggling in fact - like i, with managing the without-control spots, the spots that remind each of us of our integrity’s vulnerability. receiving such an important message ~ that i wasn’t alone, aloud me to feel loved by the divine measures implemented years prior when we first met.
all of our lessons require groundwork, a tilling of the soil. it is the loneliest place ~ feeling unique in struggles. as years pass and i am exposed to more and more of what we attempt to hide, i find we are more similar than separate.
having worked with addicts; it never surprised me how often they rejected the idea that someone, could honestly help them, that hadn’t experienced the same addiction; and in some cases the exact drug of choice.
each of us hold a history; within it, the capacity to relate intimately to the ‘without-control’ spots; be it cookies, cakes, toxic intimacy, shopping, gossip, perfectionism, chemicals, gambling, isolation, oh ~ let me count the ways we are allowing our lives to be lessened by our shadowed woes.
Compassion is Connection – open & sustained, thank you friend ~