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Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Category: Blogging
again.. serious blogs.. good grief, like i'm that deep - hee!
i forgot the e'factor. i headed off to Ky School this past week for some really awesome education/training & i had some time to think.
i guess before i was kind of thinking i was in charge of my dtr's .. ok .. i think i thought - i'll brace her against the church that is solid in its tradition and rhythms.
one of the standards - or at least how i understand it - a good catholic attends mass weekly. i think its the same in any church, but the community i've been exposed to - the Bridge Community - really takes a person how they are. if they come once a month. good. 2 or 4 times a month. good. a person has every opportunity to feel good. a good thing.
it occurred to me over this past week - erick has mya every other week & has been wonderfully consistent. i can only expect his devotion will continue & so .. i look to the future & if daddy is sleeping in, or headed out to play sunday morning. how will mya feel when i say, "sorry, sweetie - you need to come home early from seeing your dad so you can attend church with me." "i know you only see him every other weekend & every friday afternoon, but you need to come to church".. i wonder over time - would mya start to resent church & not really enjoy being there - like she does now.
i kind of feel too - i am setting her up for failure - all the other catholic children will be there sunday's at 10a, learning their lessons, checking off each step & mya will be the one coming every other sunday. so. i am placing her in failure. i am putting her in a place she can't have success.
make sense.
so. yeah - i know the last blog i wrote - but that's why its a blog & not the New York Times.
i'm still open to God working in this Catholic thing.. i have actually learned a lot & have a lot of respect for their practice, when before i was .. lets just say - misinformed ..
all that to say - i'm walking - figuring things out - just wanted to share the latest.
hope things are good with you - send me an email sometime!! i have a computer at my house now. i'm starting school soon (i'm scared) - all over the web - so by need, i broke down & managed my budget to include internet services...
yeah me.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

waking up

Saturday, July 21, 2007
walking up
Category: Blogging
i'll laugh hard tomorrow when reading how bold i felt tonight. to display something so squishy and sensitive ~ in fact - expect a shredding of vocabulary, me attempting towards reconciliation with my community...

i don't know if i know what the "official reconciliation" is like - however - i bet it goes a little like this.

Good Friday. i was balling my eyes out on my way to see Dr Lentz. i was crying over vocabulary. how can i explain this thing that i love in a way that builds a brother up, and not push him - her down, away, or any other kind of - .. - further from feeling confident and good?

i never looked at the question, "are you saved?" as being a question that would actually drive a brother back from an already forward moving journey.

make sense?

so... are you saved.

if a person is some gradient towards knowing truth and accepting grace - then, how would i be building him up by asking a question that is ultimately judging an "in" or "out" .. and where am i that i have authority to claim either on another's life.

my confession - my reconciliation: i have driven people away from the Grace of our God. believe me when i say my heart has never been malicious, but only concerned for someone to know that Holy Hands holding me is what keeps me moving forward. little me. but my confession is ~ i held so tightly to a dogmatic view of only a portion of God's people finding His Grace, claiming responsibility of an interpretation of His Grace, that i have hurt people in a way that i will be eternally responsible for. i know that's deep, but when expressing the truth - we have to be certain, and besides how God touches us, what can we be truly certain about. and let's not forget about the brokenness of ourselves.

Good Friday was a day that opened my eyes to the love and grace of God thru the sacrifice of Christ.  it's amazing. if you truly believe in the interpretation of God being the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End - then hasn't all of this already been resolved & can't we then relax a little - allow God to be God. to draw men unto His self & we take accountability to love one another. Offering love to need & compassion to fault.

i don't know. coming off the wake of Good Friday i began to feel uncomfortable in the protestant community - even though - of course, i hadn't words at that time.

it's been this odd little thing that God would be leading me to experience Catholic education while practicing a protestant Christian faith - i have experienced God in a way that i am devoted to Him, and please God, let me learn how to love as you would have me to love. mercy for those of us seeking forgiveness, mercy for those of us not knowing we need forgiveness.

i started out methodist, switched over to baptist, quit, and finally returned to the body by way of a community church. i grew up in the church. loved God. i did ok until i broke away & but when lost, i didn't know how to reconnect. i wasn't given the understanding that would have allowed me the ability to reconnect with a faith community when i wasn't completely sure who i was. how many dialects do we have in the protestant faith. the problem with being right is someone is wrong.

what i understand for myself - today @ 153 am - is, i wouldn't know how to experience the fullness of my journey if i wasn't working out my faith, seeking truth, living devotion & in some sort of repetition. i didn't swim laps & win ribbons without swimming a few laps first! Amen? i didn't compete against the best in our state by practicing poor stroke technique. i competed against the best because i was guided by an awesome coach, and encouraged by others in the lanes beside me, doing the same thing!

i like the idea my daughter & i can attend a worship time that carries enough tradition - that no matter her travels she simply find her local parish & and take the option of anchoring herself into a local faith community with some familiarity.

i love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the bridge & the bridge community!!!!!!! i think the Bridge is doing God's work !! the Beauty of the Bridge is its uniqueness in a chaotic self-serving world. my history - however - would show me stumbling along.

 by grace i feel myself being loved by a beautiful man & friends with the most incredible women of integrity. i feel, in response to being humbled, a compulsion towards aligning myself to a church community that has curriculum established to teach my daughter order. a way & an ability to share her faith in reason and truth. i like - too - the clear expectations of a life guided by faith.

you would have to know me, but i find comfort and big family back-up when i see the statement about meeting with a Priest 6 months before marriage.

so, all this to say - i am headed towards a different practice. i believe it is the good work of God that leads my journey towards conversion. and.. for all those people who may or may not respond, should Mya choose a community church later in life, i shall gladly join her there :)

my heart -

looking back - this is where i became bold - or at least firm in my thinking.. the pipe line opened between God & I that Good Friday, and still it is clear. jp-m 5.10.10