Thursday, November 30, 2006

surnames. Category: Blogging i've been divorced since 8/22/06 of this year. i've yet to get my named changed. i just don't feel like it. can it be that simple. i tell people & they always try and give me an excuse that makes sense, like - "well, i'm sure its hard to change your name when your dtr still has his name." no. because we weren't married when she was born and i didn't give her - her father's name. i know - lots of views on that issue, but this was mine at the time.. if i know i am going to be the primary parent, meaning - i am the one taking her to doctors, having parent teacher conferences, so forth - then it would be nice that she and i could identify with one another by name. another fairly clear point would be the fact - i am the oldest girl of 3 boys. all of us sharing the same last name. when all the boys marry - we will still all share the same name.. why then - would i have my dtr be the one child with a different surname. i feel like i stayed during my pregnancy - i stayed when he didn't come home, when he took my car and drove drunk. i did my part - i didn't just go back down south and give him open gates to denial. i allowed him to witness my dtr growing inside of me & the eventual birth. i allowed for him to participate as he would. we tried the whole marriage thing - but.. alas, it just didn't work itself out. so. that's that for today. you know what is interesting.. you never have to dig for the past, because the past always comes up. i decided to get on this MySpace boat & i'm committed to blogging out my days. for whom - ? - you! you made it.. so awesome!!

storerooms..

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood. - Isaiah 54:4

i've packed away – away – things important, unimportant – i don't even know anymore.

i've been wondering – considering - what exactly is part of the pack i keep and what exactly is part of the package sent away?

i'm thinking the one magic moment "when mistakes are released and my shadow is the only past touching me" isn't really going to happen. or, maybe. it isn't going to happen in a magic moment – or perhaps the moment is now – upon realizing life is a process and our next moment is our next past. so make it count?

i hear you – cheerleader. that i am better today than yesterday & my tomorrow will be better yet..

i am expecting excellence for my life. my life that guards another..

so. as i have allowed myself to be packed away, i should think better to know i am more than a piece to be decided on later; perhaps a bold minute moving to the next hour (smile).

every second i am afraid to move is simply a second wasted.

i might say .. but i'm learning everyday

Friday, November 10, 2006

i might say .. but i'm learning everyday if you and i were both sitting .. somewhere around the fire.. moving as needed when the smoke found its way to our eyes (smile). i might want to answer your question this way::: short version: when i die - i am going to understand everything - not just my version. but.. a longer still version: you never know why things happen. (pause)( me smiling you smiling ) even if we stumple on the meaning of today.. we can never really understand the lineage created by tomorrow.. things like - death - abuse - neglect - mistake - suffering - isolation - paranoia not all goods are born of goods. not all bads beget bads.. or however you may want to say or mix these words up (smile) i think this is one of those moments when i fall back on my faith.. and i allow my wisdom to be driven by my understanding of the Truth & what i understand so far.. no matter the mudd in the water (double smile). i have been taught that faith is not just hoping in things unseen, but moving forward, backward & all about the road . towards . the unseen . would you agree that change can come from sadness and confusion? i have recovered from so much guilt by simply accepting the original chapter of my story.. the one that explains the 'how comes' so.. something criminal, something unfair, something unspeakable - it can be about 'what the heck happened here' & 'how does this affect me.' and it can be about something infinite.. something unseen... friend to friend: i would never know how to answer why God allowed something criminal to happen.. i'm sure the reasons outnumber me and you.. depending on the years.. the reason could effect hundreds.. thousands.. you never know.. more than the stars. when i am lost, hunting for truth. completely exhausted from the chase. i am sometimes.. God is so intimate .. i think because i self-isolate - His spirit will literally touch me, i feel pressure on me. i sometimes leave the room because i can barely stand.. when i have a question for God then i go to God.. but - i hear you - how does a person "go to God" - and now that i hear myself saying that.. that sounds a little like drive'thru.. sorry about that.. folklore would tell us .. Truth is found in quiet moments with His Word (the b.i.b.l.e), teachings (like the ones on tv - charles stanley - td jakes!!), friendships, and life events.. so.. i'd be super curious how God has spoken to you on a criminal issue.. and yes i mean you: i expect your comment on here.