spelling square grids..

today.. there is a serious amount of procrastination going on.. and why don't they have spell checks on these things.. shouldn't that be a law.. does MySpace really want us to expose ourselves to that degree..

so spelling isn't my thing - yours?

i remember being in gradeschool & the little sheets of graph paper being taped to the blue closet doors. i never opened those doors, too many overheard stories being shared between the teacher and the assistant. something about strange little bugs living inside, ones that would just jump from one jacket to the next. it seemed like they never went away. one kid, then another kid, out for days. i remember being so "bugged out" (hee! no pun intended), i never wore a coat or carried a backpack, even on the coldest days.

so, sitting in my school desk, i'd look at all the graph papers, lined up, each with a perfectly printed name on the top.. would you agree elementary school teachers seem to be exceptional with handwriting. there were lots of kids that had 20 out of 20 filled out, week after week . each week adding a solid line, further forming a rectangular box.. 20 spelling words, 20 correct spellings. 20 little squares all colored in..

mine.. not so much.

before i really got the fact that my cool little staggered lines actually meant that sometimes i got 5 wrong, sometimes 7 - i actually thought my paper looked cooler. i thought, perfect little rectangles made from perfect little 20 square lines, were a little - eh.. boring. same thing when i brought my 1st grade report card home at the end of the year. all A's? are you kidding me? where's the variety? i could fall asleep.

i suppose i hit the height of my excitement when i got the range in 8th grade. sing with me, A . B . C . D ...

i had just switched school systems & i'll never forget thinking (yeah, i know) how relieved i was to have an 80 in the slot for Ms Lee's math class. my actual initial reaction was relief. so i recieved my report card just as the bell rang to switch classes, i took a cleansing breath thinking, "man, am i lucky - i thought i did horrible in this class - sure am glad this class grades on the 10 point scale!! i got a rockin' B!" (hee!). and this was 8th grade, isn't that the point where we feel we are equal to our parents & graduating seniors. then, as my mom counted out my variety - she was most disappointed with my math grade.. i was a little confused.. it took me a minute to remember, 80 in 'key to success' world, actually meant a D.

so.. that's the randomly related rehashes of the day.. yours?

confession..

my heart pours out.. if you could only understand how much of a shell i have been. listen, this old life of mine, held numb in a tomb & that the only way to feel was somehow hurting myself.. just walking round and round the same walls, looking for what always did the trick... the same trick... over and over...

oh God - my heart, for You, so renewed .. i am actually feeling true discernment - oh my God - this is life and bliss.. confusion is giving way to truth & God this just makes me feel untouchable, removed and held by You.. create in me - who you would have me to be ..

and Lord, i so humbly ask for forgiveness. i modeled being bent & right now, i reach out for your mercy minute by minute. for this day & every day of my breath, then and coming...

Lord.. let me flee from the entrapment of memories, restore my heart, any heart that i have had part in breaking - oh God - take me from guilt and shame, let me hide in You..

forever..

jenni

a response to a sited blog

i'm not sure how to site his work.. but this is where I picked his blog up ~

http://www.myspace.com/richfyhr

Sunday, July 16, 2006

To the Isolationist

You might be sitting there thinking that the best way to deal with this
thing is to avoid talking about it, and to hide it from anyone
you're afraid you'll lose. Well if you're anything like the rest of us who
share that fear, you probably dont want to lose anyone at all, especially
the people who you're closest to, who might be depending on you.

So where does that leave us when were trying to cope with our
problems without the perspective of anyone else?

It leaves us in a room, without any light, windows, or doors, isolated and afraid and feeling like we're suffocating. Suffocating, because
I believe we need people to breathe; or in other words, we need each other to truly live. We need a safe environment in which we can be open and honest about life as we know it.

There's something amazing that happens when we can share what's really going on in our lives with someone who's agreed to walk with us: we find evidence. We see the tangible evidence that God is about sticking it out with us for the long haul.

And real community - the kind we need to contend for - is the one that reflects this about God.

God's desire for us all along has been for us to realize the true meaning of the second greatest commandment. The first one, Love the Lord
God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, is pretty self-explanatory. But the second, love your neighbor as yourself, is not just
about lending him your ladder for a few days. It's about being available for each other through all the issues of life.

So, my prayer for you and I, is that we'll resist the urge to hide; that we won't put on our Sunday smiles and try to act our way through
life. I pray we seek out and find those who are willing to walk with us through our stuff, and that we will make a choice to do the same for them.

The power of being known and knowing others is one of God's greatest gifts to us. Let's steward it well.

- Rich

Posted by Jenni on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 11:02 AM

Amen - i am in agreement with you brother!!

isolation is so confusing and misleading - and we all know where that comes from (smile)..

i love that this is a journey.. that all good things come in step. i've been in a place where praising God in good and bad things - when i didn't feel like i was so much in control of the bad things - was this self hurting thing. like i was drawn to what hurt me most. that hurting made me feel real, but evil and separated from God.

but when the truth breaks through & all of a sudden the light is in the dark . just making darkness this impossible place to even exist anymore.. it is just amazing.. freeing, like this yoke that has been on me for years - decades - has been lifted, taken.. sweet Jesus - how infinitely strong.. in this i feel community. a ticket into the darkest places.. what a Gift to be given - authentic empathy..

so let us be in prayer - that every disclosure is not just about us, but about freeing our sisters and brothers -

all my heart - jenni