Saturday, July 21, 2007
walking upi'll laugh hard tomorrow when reading how bold i felt tonight. to display something so squishy and sensitive ~ in fact - expect a shredding of vocabulary, me attempting towards reconciliation with my community...
i don't know if i know what the "official reconciliation" is like - however - i bet it goes a little like this.
Good Friday. i was balling my eyes out on my way to see Dr Lentz. i was crying over vocabulary. how can i explain this thing that i love in a way that builds a brother up, and not push him - her down, away, or any other kind of - .. - further from feeling confident and good?
i never looked at the question, "are you saved?" as being a question that would actually drive a brother back from an already forward moving journey.
so... are you saved.
if a person is some gradient towards knowing truth and accepting grace - then, how would i be building him up by asking a question that is ultimately judging an "in" or "out" .. and where am i that i have authority to claim either on another's life.
my confession - my reconciliation: i have driven people away from the Grace of our God. believe me when i say my heart has never been malicious, but only concerned for someone to know that Holy Hands holding me is what keeps me moving forward. little me. but my confession is ~ i held so tightly to a dogmatic view of only a portion of God's people finding His Grace, claiming responsibility of an interpretation of His Grace, that i have hurt people in a way that i will be eternally responsible for. i know that's deep, but when expressing the truth - we have to be certain, and besides how God touches us, what can we be truly certain about. and let's not forget about the brokenness of ourselves.
Good Friday was a day that opened my eyes to the love and grace of God thru the sacrifice of Christ. it's amazing. if you truly believe in the interpretation of God being the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End - then hasn't all of this already been resolved & can't we then relax a little - allow God to be God. to draw men unto His self & we take accountability to love one another. Offering love to need & compassion to fault.
i don't know. coming off the wake of Good Friday i began to feel uncomfortable in the protestant community - even though - of course, i hadn't words at that time.
it's been this odd little thing that God would be leading me to experience Catholic education while practicing a protestant Christian faith - i have experienced God in a way that i am devoted to Him, and please God, let me learn how to love as you would have me to love. mercy for those of us seeking forgiveness, mercy for those of us not knowing we need forgiveness.
i started out methodist, switched over to baptist, quit, and finally returned to the body by way of a community church. i grew up in the church. loved God. i did ok until i broke away & but when lost, i didn't know how to reconnect. i wasn't given the understanding that would have allowed me the ability to reconnect with a faith community when i wasn't completely sure who i was. how many dialects do we have in the protestant faith. the problem with being right is someone is wrong.
what i understand for myself - today @ 153 am - is, i wouldn't know how to experience the fullness of my journey if i wasn't working out my faith, seeking truth, living devotion & in some sort of repetition. i didn't swim laps & win ribbons without swimming a few laps first! Amen? i didn't compete against the best in our state by practicing poor stroke technique. i competed against the best because i was guided by an awesome coach, and encouraged by others in the lanes beside me, doing the same thing!
i like the idea my daughter & i can attend a worship time that carries enough tradition - that no matter her travels she simply find her local parish & and take the option of anchoring herself into a local faith community with some familiarity.
i love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the bridge & the bridge community!!!!!!! i think the Bridge is doing God's work !! the Beauty of the Bridge is its uniqueness in a chaotic self-serving world. my history - however - would show me stumbling along.
by grace i feel myself being loved by a beautiful man & friends with the most incredible women of integrity. i feel, in response to being humbled, a compulsion towards aligning myself to a church community that has curriculum established to teach my daughter order. a way & an ability to share her faith in reason and truth. i like - too - the clear expectations of a life guided by faith.
you would have to know me, but i find comfort and big family back-up when i see the statement about meeting with a Priest 6 months before marriage.
so, all this to say - i am headed towards a different practice. i believe it is the good work of God that leads my journey towards conversion. and.. for all those people who may or may not respond, should Mya choose a community church later in life, i shall gladly join her there :)
my heart -
looking back - this is where i became bold - or at least firm in my thinking.. the pipe line opened between God & I that Good Friday, and still it is clear. jp-m 5.10.10