Sunday, February 25, 2007
 | a call to relationship.. i wonder .. i was in the middle of service today & something caught my ear, i'll not claim what, but it sent me on a little trail of this leads to this, and this leads to that. a little theory makin' i suppose. that without sin in my life i would have no 'in' that felt real with God. or should i say - that without being present, aware of my lackings, that i would have no way of connecting with my higher power... life testifies. it feels good for a person to say thank you - it feels good for a person to give me some praise on my good works. but if that person & i never share a real conversation - how shallow do the 'good jobs' become? and it would be easier with my notes, but i'll hash this out as best i can - amen. we are called to be in relationship with something we can't see. something we can barely hear. something we rarely feel physically touched by - yet - i have been continually compelled in misery and fear to reach out for Him & almost always i am touched back in ways too numerous to define. this is where it all settled for me. i've been in these calls before - when life has become so distant that siberia could compare to my hearts warmth. that the big Hand of God is almost overwhelming, that i walk into Him crying, and barely able to explain myself - in fact - i'd rather be crying in a stall in the girls bathroom than try and actually explain what is being torn down and built up. what God does in our lives is so intimate. today was a nothing kind of day. i understood the purpose of today. to be in touch with what separates us. i sat shallow wondering where my tears were. i wonder if it is marginal living. i wonder if this is where most of us find ourselves. we have successfully taken care of the "big Sins" and so we feel like we are Ok & we quit seeking for more than Ok - we forget about abundance - or perhaps we forget our ticket. so. i ended today - believing our ticket to God is not in our good deeds, but rather our failings. that when i am in touch with the areas i fail can i come to Him in a secret place & be molded and mapped out to greatness beyond just 9 to 5 life. so he said something about, when beginning a one on one thing - that we give and we listen, in that - do we build a friendship, a love relationship. if i don't search myself and deliver something authentic then i would say i'm building something superficial. superficial never lasts with me. it barely begins. and this is where i ended up. for Him to be deep, for Him to be where i truely need Him to be - settled in the foundations of me - i have to not forget the imperfection of me. i have to not get so 'proud of me' that i forget i can still be better, that i am still a child in need of a savior. to be under His Lordship Leadership is a daily thing & its about me. am i in or out of this relationship. any relationship suffers if we are not authetically giving of ourselves - perhaps i should seek out a flame in me like the little pilot light under the water heater. in the dark of the night - if i get on my knees do i find the little flame.. how delightful. |
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