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Monday, December 27, 2010

I can barely hear my heart beating ~

I can barely hear my heart beating! ~ Tin Woodsman, Wizard of Oz

so this is the Monday before 52 Mondays.  I think it is hilarious ~ I was thinking something huge & monumental would happen getting closer to this moment.  Like I would read lots of books, make up worksheets, have lesson plans laid out for the year.  then i realized it wasn’t about my control measures, it is me waiting & watching for what i'll be blogging next.

if i had a soapbox this would be it.. i find spirituality to be about connectedness.  i think it is the route to best understand one another, to best accept our situation, to persevere when nothing but a mirage is between me and the other side of the desert.  we have means of connecting beyond words, it is standing on sand before an ocean that i am swept away.
i don't find myself to be the authority; however, i am aware of authority when i hear it ~ it sings the sweetness of wisdom.  i love the truth and its many, many facets.
i was daydreaming about Heaven the other day, thinking about the possibility - at the time of our passing we will be reunited with others that have passed before us.  i thought about a man who lost his dad, and how great the day will be - when they will greet each other with a huge man embrace & and out of that moment, a knowing'ness between them will resonate, on and on.  like it has been so long, and i have waited, but here you stand & the time is gone that you were gone.

i felt so warm inside, and then i thought about my father, how it will be to be...

the first picture i found of him after he had passed years before was one of his profile.  i almost laughed because i thought - a profile shot, this is what i possess still of my father.   then years after, i came across a small photo that resides on the corner of my sweater cabinet, and it is my dad & me.  must have been around the time when i was first learning how to walk because of the way he was holding my hands, like he was my balance.

my biological father died when i was 20, the last time i saw him was at my high school graduation.  all the people, all the noise, all the graduates dressed in blue ~ and out of the crowd comes my father with my two half brothers following suite.  hadn't met the boys before, but there the three of them stood, and of course i didn't know what to say.

i actually have a letter, addressed, stamped and ready to be sent telling him i was looking forward to knowing him more.   shortly after, i received a call that he died from complications.  wasn't aware, but he had gone into surgery for fluid on the heart.  surgery went fine, but a student-nurse was repositioning tubes, likely to do with an i.v. line;  air shot through his veins and a fatal stroke resulted.

if i was drinking prior to this happening, i drank a lot after, fell apart – lost, not even knowing i was capable of being found.  tried to find my footing in an eccentric troubled soul, and by Grace i escaped.  have been on the mend since, but mostly it’s because when no one else was listening - God was - or who I imagined God to be, the He that is close to me.

i of course look forward to God when i arrive in Heaven, but there are so many ways i am knowing Him now.  anything i am connecting with - literally - i find to be from a Loving Spirit.  even when i am afraid, i find Him as comfort.  that when i am alone, He is always present.  and so, God - sure - excited.  but there is this thing inside of me that literally leapt when thinking of meeting the other side of my face.  the man i knew through cards, camera’s and art supplies ~ my biological father.  i imagine this embrace, but also this opportunity to know him.  i will hear his voice, and he will know by the way my heart beats ~ i have missed him & loved him my whole life.

what is ahead ~ blog followers, unsure ~ but with certainty ~ i will be here, faithful.

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