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Monday, December 13, 2010

what we seek we find

looking forward to 52 Monday's .. last Monday was the first week i by-passed putting a post up.  and you know, i thought about it all week.  the DSL has been giving us some trouble, messing with my system of write, surf, read, write, research, write, stare into space, write, and finally finish... hee!

my last  post i received a comment: "... the real problem with being able to speak your mind is bearing the judgment of others. Being a person who wants to be liked, I sometimes find it difficult to say things that I know will upset people, even though it may be the right thing to do. For me, it's a constant struggle to find the right balance." (thanks r.s.)

the oddest followed.  i was so happy to receive a comment to my post i read it gleefully, but later really thought through the words .. bearing, difficult, constant struggle, and balance.  what was unexpected was how intimately i connected - i actually experienced some memories that were pretty unsettling.  i gained a new reflection (thanks again)...

i don't think i'm a push-over, but i am not after conflict either.  mostly i leave people be - stepping in when i am in the position, but mostly i listen and observe.  passive.  i speak, i clarify, i listen.  i must appear as if i am adding to the conversation, but really i mostly put together and rearrange. .. like a composer.  i wonder if fear hides in this place.  i feel prompted but mostly empty for this project, like a bowl ready to be filled..  

i wonder how often people have mistook my beliefs based upon my company?  kudos to those who speak up, who allow for themselves the vulnerable moment.

it is a balance, really a slippery slope ~ like the dew on the tip of a blade (smile). 

we have so many personalities.  i have found for myself that i try to fight the good fight.  i gather information and i put my pieces together. i place my bets when i feel as certain as i can - that what i say - convey, will move the conversation in a positive way.

i will seek and find new ways to express myself.  i will make shifts in my thinking so i can see options of articulating that will allow compassion to pour over... drenching self and others :)

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