Sunday, December 10, 2006
it's about mya..
i will say before you end a marriage you think twice when child or children are involved.
i found the letter i wrote mya after i knew i was leaving her daddy. i remember writing it so there wouldn't be any confusion re: the reasons.. i actually pulled it (happened across it) out last night; i had it tucked in the pages of my bible. i suppose its good to check in with reality ever so often. i, like we, tend to remember the good - manageable parts. the not so manageable gets put someplace safe?
so.. i spoke with erick about the visitation on christmas eve. i just think the time is precious when santa still rides his sleigh, so i want it protected as much as possible.
he said he would be taking her to his girlfriends family's place - a trip into louisville. i just have a hard time trusting things are going to go ok.. when 3 other children will be there & all 3 children are in elementary, the validity of santa will - i'm sure come up - . -
i worry. today - though - i realize i am not believing erick, but believing God for what her life is about...
and santa may not be a big deal, but when i realize how many christmas mornings i have spent in my home - one - and nobody is stopping to realize this is my only chance.. she could be my only child. i don't want to hoard her, just protect her - memorize her.
so.. it was a horrible conversation 2 days ago. i start to talk with him and his face starts to configure into shapes of "not listening" or "don't bother me".. i start internally freaking out & i stumble all over my words until it is a couple hours after he leaves that i think better how i would have said things..
i guess stability is huge - or so i understand - i don't quite understand broken jig'saw families.. or makeshift families.. the one that is created once he moves in with her and her child. i just want to keep things intentional. building a foundation of family memories with the family that is going to be around.
i am so impatient.
so.. i spoke with him today on the phone & it was such a gentle productive conversation & i mentioned to him - instead of him not seeing her, just picking her up once he was home from louisville and visiting with her family.. i know mya would want to see her and her son & daddy of course.
a few hours later he calls back and he tells me just the way he should.. he tells me how it is important for him to beable to take mya with him to louisville.
so.. who is the right and wrong labeler.. can't be me.. who is me..
so i asked to get off the phone and he called back a little later to tell me he would be getting her around 5p.
so i share my dtr.. this is my heart breaking. this is my lifetime..
so i focus not on my life, but the life of my dtr and sharing with her - her blood, her father and decisions he makes.
so.. i'm sad. i can't remember the last conversation erick and i ever really connected on & this was one.. its bitter sweet.