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Friday, December 1, 2006

post lentz

and yes - he is genius. amazing genius. the fact he is with me & not refusing me, loving me & helping me love myself most..


i posed the question of getting back with my X & yes it would solve lots of problems in regards to mya - and - her worth.. especially since she is a daddy's girl.

so the concern would be of course - trust - how would i even attempt to feel safe in that relationship, how could i ever know - that his old ways wouldn't soon be his current ways. is it true that he has to earn my trust & when then has he earned it & how then do i handle breech of trust after - he has proved himself.. when we know the breech will send me spinning back to many nights i woke at 1 or 2am and him not being home.

lots of things said.. but one statement ran thru me - especially when thinking about whether i would be willing to reconcile.

my fear, my untrust - is my stuff - there is nothing a person can say to make me trust him again. it all has to be worked out within myself. like i've said - i've been seeing a mentor - him - lentz - for longer than a few months & working on oneself is a difficult process. the rewards - however - are worth it.

i have self control that i never knew i had - i have installed the minute it takes me to process out a trigger, to step away & to feel good about not doing what would have made me feel worse.

so.. the rewards are great when working on myself.. dealing with my stuff. the rewards of spending lots of time - working on the trust factor with him - the rewards? i'm just not sure.

most people talk - he didn't. most people laugh - he didn't. most people like there to be at least a little bit of a fuss when it comes to making a family dinner - he didn't.

but that is yesterday & this is the present.

so. the shear exhaustion that came over me - knowing the amount of work it would take to get to a place where i could be better to him, meaning trusting him, loving him - with a fresh love - sounded like a mountain i wasn't willing to climb.

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