Friday, December 01, 2006
lunch @ fazoli's
i swear i thought she was yelling at me. when i am trying to tell her i am trying to decide what to do about my X, she then proceeds to ask me if i am crazy.
i told her i just zoned out - gave up - what we had was low conflict, far from abusive & i just wasn't willing to watch the story anymore. i have a tendency to move far, far ahead. it gets me thinking of tomorrow, when today stinks - hear me?
"you signed out - out of survival" - "he never came home and it tore you up, it made you sick" - "for God's sake, you started smoking pot again just to get his attentions" - "need i remind you of more"
and i felt myself close off & i knew it was true, but i just had this thought - that people change & if he could change - then maybe that would be far better for my dtr than her mother being single - on'going.
i used to be the most resilient heart, more so than anyone you would meet - i would enter each and every relationship heart first & head last. when things went terribly asunder i would cry and cry, but the moment another suitable suitor came along - again - heart first, as if i had never been hurt.
now. a bit different. children cause we grown'ups to be different. i am better, i am guarded because of her. i refuse for her to be second to biological bonds.
like i said - i grew up being the sister of 3 boys - we are all connected thru my mother, but i am not my father's child.
and i know now - maybe he couldn't be better - but i always felt less.. it is all over me to keep my dtr from that feeling.
the easiest way - would be thru keeping with her biological father.
at the sacrifice of myself? maybe.