maybe i should wait til later - to tell this story - but right now i just want to say..
i get it! i get it!
i have been sitting in this perpetual state of limbo. i know this fella is a good man, and i know i need a good man. but deep - i just want Paul.. some amazing man for God - someone sprung from dark to light & just can't get over the light..
and i know - i speak the cryptic language - but i can't help but write from that part in my heart, it moves over into my brain.. in sobriety - i have found the best high from what the Holy Spirit will do out of no where..
i have been struggling for the last 3 or 4 mos - back and forth & just being exactly who i don't like.. and last night i went to bed - asking God to help me with what is going on here.
i can't very well argue with lentz, but i can't argue with the abundance sisters and brothers tell me i can have - fullness i can trust God for...
so.. about this Christian thing..
i feel like i was being told that a man seeking truth was good enough, that it is about actions and not words.. so a good man is a good man. so then why - when i've never had one - would i still want more. why would i be so bold to want Paul.
and this is what makes sense - on all levels - i've always wondered why God has blessed me in the community of women i've been given since before i even knew enough to ask. i've had friends - amazing girls of God speckled all over my past. i wonder and have been distrusting of some of my friendships now - just because i didn't get it.. i didn't get how these amazing women would have time for me - and are we friends - or am i just part of their ministry... are they friends with me because their hearts love me, or because God would have them to be.. its a trust thing..
it was today that i got it.. when we are called to be Christian - we are called to a belief that is beyond logic, somewhere beyond a leap.
it is my heart - that the first thing on my mind when meeting a person is, "are you christian?" & i can't tell you the number of times i have come right out and asked just because i needed to know..
i ask because it is important to me.. i ask because God's love has made such an impression on me, that i want all people to have it - i want all people to have the opportunity for super natural love..
so.. thats my heart - its a heart that has a calling.. so no wonder - in the deepest part of me - i expect, i long for the man that shares the same heart.. a man that will be sad with me after meeting a wandering soul.
so.. yes.. this sir i've been dating is a good man, but his heart isn't about saving the lost.. we have different callings & he isn't bad because of it, and i am no better. that feels so amazing - to know that God's love is loving and not rejecting, that when i am ending a "good thing" i am simple making room for each of us to find who best fits our puzzle piece...
this is so huge - i can let go of the what if's.. i can be still and know that He is God and i can trust Him for abundance.. that i won't be the guy on top of the house that by passes all His blessings looking for something else. i am looking for God to show up in the most unlikely of places.. how awesome is God - that His Amazing Son was born in a stinky manger, that He lead by giving His Life.. God is unlikely - - but so right on time!!
so.. not sure who gets what a big deal this is.
but it has been really amazing since i recommitted my life to Christ on June 4th of this year - how much i have learned.. the hard lessons in fact.
so.. i am blessed to be His - that there is clarity in the confusion..