new day - new blog
so.. this blogging thing.. it almost feels like a journal - 'cept people read it.. right? so. i was thinking.. (yep, it happens) musicians put their music out there - they open up their hearts and their talents to translate something.
so.. what if i was a writer? and what if i am an autobiographical person.. that if i couldn't write about myself - i wouldn't know how to write. i suppose i'm not one to gossip - i am one to analyze - but i like to analyze mostly everything as it pertains to me.. all about me - right? i suppose. i don't know anything else. how can i pretend to know someone if i barely know myself?
i think when i have known true musicians - any true artist - most are always a little bit about themselves & i think it has to be like that.. who is going to carve time for their craft if not themselves? who is going to make their art a priority if not them? so. perhaps a i'm a little puffed up to write, but really its a little deeper.
could be i have defined myself as according to my latest love. could be i have associated my hopes and dreams with fellas & not myself .. so when the person disappears so then does my motivation, my reason. maybe now i am writing to myself - writing just to write - and - maybe this is when i still feel like me, that my mistakes have only created a deeper place from which to draw from the well..
i was driving down the road the other day & like it has happened for the past 5 years - a certain someone creeps into my thoughts. it is confusing and distructive. to be told clearly - i am not his future, why then would i be in some odd reality that i would still continue to speak to God, to pray for him, to think of him, to measure every man by him.. a him that really doesn't exist, or so in a way that i have created him to be.
so - my wonderful - wonderful friend - she said something so clear. that when i escaped from my first marriage 6 years ago - when i entered back into society - i was blank. i built from blankness - i built a foundation in a little womb of love - becoming passionate about God's healing, God's love, God's amazing way of working things out - creating rights from wrongs..
during that time - i met up with this certain individual - and - more than him, i fell in love with the Spirit pouring out of his broken bones. i jumped on his bandwagon - understood his passion & wanted to support the passion myself. if he walked into fire, i would walk in behind him - period.
so.. somehow & i will dig into this in the next weeks with lentz - but how strong of an association i have made with him? that's deep, you know (smile).. i mean - i have had serious convictions that he was the one, random affirmations over time.. enough that i'm his unconditional groupie.
something about pulling out the dreams i have associated with him & then combining them with me.. but then - like the time i applied to work with a mssionary board - that i couldn't due to the "divorce" & now i got another "divorce" and a child.. wonder what that makes me now? double disqualified..
i feel barren - broken - forgotten, but God builds best from that. right?