Wednesday, December 20, 2006
wow.. its that simple?
so i'm currently looking out the window at the local library here in steamboat, colorado - one of the favorite spots for ski'ing.. not a ski bum myself - however i did visit the hot springs yesturday.. i'll try and post some pics when i get back to the k - y.. but.. it was really amazing.
enough of that (smile)
so this "particular person" sitting in the back of my mind for the past so many years - too many years.. i was praying about it - as we all know - let me be free!! and my be'fri sarah & i (only people graduating in the 90's would have any idea what i am talking about) were driving the curvy long roads out of denver and into steamboat. i brought up what she had discovered about the strong association & it was really neat..
like.. when does person pop up - i told her when i am making the hard choices. the choices that are more or less against the grain of the world, and more faith based. i feel him knodding his head in agreement, cheering me on. and if it is me and you against the world - i am happy and ready for the fight.. or so i would tell myself.
so.. she posed.. how about replacing his figure with a figure of your 'ideal self'.. hum..
could this be the tool i've been waiting long years for? for this particular person is not the only person that has been present, before him was michael - however - michael got lost somewhere in my 1st marriage (hee!) (i know, not so funny to some - but to me - it makes me laugh - like i'm liz taylor or something)
but i really felt released. i was crying the other night.. kind of finally feeling single - which is this amazing feeling.. its being in this place where i look to God and say - again - i get it - and i am in a place in this race that was hidden from me before..
and i know that sounds so bizarre, the "finally single" part.. but i guess what it was - when i escaped from fred - and i became to really know the Lord & i met this particular person, and he seemed to share the same heart as me, but also including the sketchy past - i just felt home. i felt accepted and loved; partnered in fact.
not that we were ever an item.. but the whole elisabeth elliot thing sometimes keeps a girl like me hooked. no one can ever say i am null of devotion. so i knew he pop'd up a bit & i thought for a longer than i should say it was the Spirit that tied my heart to his dispite great times of distance and silence. now .. however .. it was merely me - failing to rely on myself. that i am home with me, that i am now creating a home for my dtr, that my home is always in Christ & i am His. i have hated feeling like an orphan, but perhaps this is what draws me so close.
so.. guess i'll take me and my ideal self and get back in the snow!! enough of deep stuff. i'm closing the door on this chapter, and its about time (smile).